Survivor's Guilt Read online

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  SURVIVOR’S GUILT

  Copyright © 2015 by Cassy Roop

  Editing by Emma Mack

  Cover design by Cassy Roop of Pink Ink Designs

  Formatting by Pink Ink Designs

  Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, and/or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Other Books by Cassy Roop

  The Celtic Knot Series

  Ashley’s Bend

  Figure Eight

  Triquetra

  Axel Hitch

  Standalones

  The Price of Love

  VOID

  This book is dedicated to those who have loved and lost, yet learned to love again.

  And also to one of my best friends in the whole world, Judi Perkins who has shown me

  what unconditional love means.

  In loving memory of Joseli Mycheila Perkins

  Pure Bliss

  I SAT IN AN OLD antique wooden chair and stared at myself in the mirror. My palms were sweating, but I didn’t dare wipe them on my dress. The beautiful bouquet of flowers I held filled the room with a sweet and comforting fragrance. I took in my overly large blue eyes and the waves of curls that cascaded over my left shoulder. The same flowers from my bouquet were adorned in my hair giving it an elegant touch.

  This was the day that almost every woman dreamed of. The day where she got to wear a beautiful dress, and be the center of attention. I fingered the white taffeta of my dress and reminisced about the day that my mom and sisters went with me to go shopping. The big surprise was on me when they gave me an envelope that contained tickets to New York City. All four of them knew that I watched Say Yes to the Dress religiously, even before I got engaged. It was always one of my guilty pleasures. So there was no doubt in their minds that I shouldn’t go to Kleinfield’s to get my dress.

  Everyone was behind me putting the final finishing touches on their appearance while I sat back and enjoyed the view in slow motion. I wanted to savor everything about this day, every moment, so that I could hold onto the memory of it for the rest of my life. It wasn’t every day that you got to marry your soul mate. The man of your dreams. The man that even after nearly four years of dating made butterflies appear in your stomach just from walking into the room.

  “Are you ready, sweetheart?” My dad asked as he walked up behind me and placed one of his tired, worn hands on my bare shoulder. I looked into the mirror and met his eyes that glistened with unshed tears and could see the pride he held in his heart staring back at me.

  “I am. Are you?” I asked as I beamed a smile at him. I had to do anything to keep my own unshed tears from threatening to fall and ruining my impeccable makeup.

  “If it were any other man I had to give you away to today, I would say no. But I can honestly say you chose well, Ellie. I know that he will do a wonderful job in taking care of my baby just like I always have.”

  I had to bite my lip to keep it from quivering. To see the tall, strapping Alan Burnette nearly choked up with his words, was nearly too much to bear. I was definitely my daddy’s girl and to know he so willingly approved of my choice in husband meant the world to me.

  He reached out a hand and helped me from my seat. My mother fluttered over in her light grey sheath dress and gently pressed one of her soft lips on my cheek.

  “You look beautiful, sweetheart. Breathtaking.”

  “Thank you, Momma,”

  I watched as her and my father looked at each other and saw the ever-present spark between them that nearly thirty-five years of marriage couldn’t diminish. I only could pray that the same flames continued to burn within us after this day.

  One more soft kiss on my cheek and then my mom went to go stand at the sanctuary entrance with the bridesmaids. My father offered me his elbow and I graciously took it as he tucked my arm to his side. I knew he wanted the connection of having his little girl with him for only a few seconds more, before he gave me over to the man I would spend the rest of my life with and I leant my head against his shoulder just as I have nearly all my life.

  We walked out of the small room and down the hallway to the sanctuary entrance. I felt a small tremble in my knees and a small sheen of sweat form on the small of my back. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. I had never been more ready for anything in my entire life. I loved him with every fiber of my soul and knew that our life together would be perfect. So when the music started to play and all the bridesmaids began their march down the aisle, I took a deep breath and turned to face the sanctuary and came eye to eye with my future husband.

  ***

  THE BREATH NEARLY left my body the moment she stepped into the room. Most men will tell you that the moment they see their future wife in her wedding dress, it is like a sucker punch to the gut to see how truly beautiful she is. It was more than that. I felt like someone had picked me up and spun me around fast, to the point my equilibrium was malfunctioning. I was dizzy in the head, yet full in my heart as she slowly, one foot at a time, made her way down the aisle toward me. The room was packed to capacity, yet it was like we were the only two in the room.

  I watched as she looked up at her father and him, in turn, looked at her with as much love as I was feeling in my heart for her at that very moment. It felt like it was nearly an eternity before her eyes met mine once again. They sparkled with an unconditional love, shone at me with purpose, understanding, love and respect. She smiled and I felt my stomach bottom out, and when she finally made it to me, my hand trembled as her father extended hers to me to take.

  The familiar shock of awareness filtered through me as our hands connected. Skin to skin. Heart to heart. Soul to soul. I never thought I could love anything, much less another person, the way I loved her. She completed me in every way. Made me look at life with a whole new meaning and purpose. And when I saw my future, she was the first thing that would always appear.

  “Who gives this woman to this man?” The preacher asked.

  “Her mother and I do,” her father replied as he looked at her once more and then looking at me with a wink. Most people had nothing great to say about his significant other’s parents, but my future mother and father-in-law were two of the most wonderful people I have e
ver met. They welcomed me with open arms and invited me immediately into their family when we started dating years ago. The day I asked for her hand in marriage, he didn’t hesitate to say yes, but instead hugged me like I was his own son and said he couldn’t be prouder to give his daughter to anyone else.

  We stood facing each other, our hands clasped between us and I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb. Her skin was smooth like velvet and I was anxious to put the diamond ring I had gotten her on her finger before she had the chance to change her mind.

  “Dearly beloved—” the preacher began and his words soon faded away for all I could do was focus on her. The way her blue eyes shone at me, and her smile that stole my soul the moment we met.

  “Evan has prepared his own vows and would like to say them now,” the preacher said as he broke through my daydream of the beautiful woman before me. Her eyes widened with shock because this wasn’t something we had planned. We had agreed to just the normal, traditional ceremony, but I knew she deserved more than the standard repeated words. She deserved to hear firsthand how her love made me feel. She deserved to know exactly what was in my heart.

  “If I had to choose the exact moment that I fell in love with you, it would probably be the first time I looked into your eyes. You captivated me that day with your beauty, your wit, and your amazing ability to mess up a coffee order.”

  The crowd laughed as they all remembered she used to work at the only coffee shop in town several years ago.

  “If I had to choose the moment when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I would choose that day. You made my heart beat in a way that it never had before. The connection I felt with you was beyond words, which is why I was probably silent the entire time you took my order.”

  The crowd all chuckled again and she smiled knowingly at me.

  “But if I had to choose any other person to spend the rest of my life with, I wouldn’t feel as alive as I do today. I love you more than my next breath. I will love you more in this life and in the next. You are the reason I wake in the morning. You are my purpose. I promise to cherish you, guide you and support you. I promise to always be the one to make the coffee, because let’s face it, you suck at it.”

  She laughed as a stray tear cascaded down her cheek.

  “I promise to catch each one of your tears before they ever hit the ground, whether they are happy or sad. I will stand beside you in the good times and even more so with the bad. I hope that I can give you back all the joy, happiness, and love that you have so selflessly shown me in our short time together. I will spend every day of the rest of our lives proving to you that I am worthy of your love. I love you.”

  I smiled at my best friend as I turned to retrieve her ring. When my eyes met hers again, they were glistening and she sniffled to try and keep them from falling. Sliding the ring onto her finger, I was finally able to exhale. It was both a relief and a privilege to place this circle upon her hand.

  “Let this ring serve as an ongoing reminder of the commitment that I make here with you today. Just like a circle, this ring has no edges. No notches or stops. It is one continuous loop that goes on for eternity, because that is how long I plan on loving you.”

  It was my turn to be in shock when the preacher announced that she too had prepared her own vows. It only proved how perfectly in sync we were with each other and I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face. Her words cut through me like a knife, slicing deeper into my soul and embedding her there a little deeper. So many people say that words don’t hurt, or that they can’t heal a broken heart, but I am living proof that her words healed. I walked around broken all my life, searching for the true meaning of my existence until the day that I found it.

  It was her.

  She was my reason.

  My truth.

  The one person I would willingly sacrifice myself for.

  And as she slipped the ring on my finger symbolizing her commitment to me and the preacher announced us as husband and wife, we sealed our forever together with a kiss.

  The Honeymoon

  “BABE! I PUT THE LAST suitcase in the car. Are you about ready to go?” My husband yelled up the stairs where I was looking through our bedroom to see if there was anything I was forgetting. I knew we were only going to be gone for two weeks, but I was a planner. I liked things to be in order. He always laughed at me and would tease me about my OCD tendencies, but I would never hear him complain when he needed something and then found out I had indeed packed it.

  This wasn’t our first trip together, but it was our first trip as husband and wife. I stood in the doorway and looked at the rumpled sheets of the bed. For the first time¸ I actually didn’t want to rush over and straighten it up. It held a memory far too dear to me as I reminisced about last night. How my husband so wonderfully made my body come alive. How he treasured, worshiped, and caressed every inch of my skin. How with just one flick of his tongue against my nipple nearly set me off. It wasn’t the first time we had sex, but it was the first time we made love and truly belonged to each other. He was mine and I was his. I even had the piece of paper to prove it.

  “What are you doing?” He asked as he slipped in behind me and circled his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. The woodsy smell of his aftershave filled my nostrils and I took a moment to appreciate it by taking a deep inhale.

  “Trying to remember if we forgot anything,” I replied, placing my hands on top of his. I caressed the ring on his left hand and smiled as I looked at my matching one.

  “You know, this is supposed to be our honeymoon. You, wifey, are supposed to be relaxed.”

  He kissed my shoulder where it was exposed from my tank top.

  “And carefree.”

  He kissed the side of my neck.

  “And completely and utterly consumed by being with your husband for the next fourteen days.”

  He kissed the sensitive spot right below my ear and my breathing quickened. We had spent hours last night lost in each other and I was still gloriously sore in so many areas, but it did nothing to dissipate my want for him. Knowing that he belonged to me and only me, made my body heat even more for him.

  “Keep doing that and we’ll miss our flight. Aunt Silvia will be waiting at the airport in Miami to pick us up. We wouldn’t want to disappoint her by being late.”

  “It all depends on if her disappointment is only fueled by me pleasuring my wife,” he said seductively as he licked my earlobe causing a lightning bolt of pleasure to ripple through me.

  “Didn’t you get enough last night?” I turned around in his arms and teased as I brought my arms up to play with the hair at his nape. I could spend hours getting lost in the bright green color of his eyes. I watched as the tiny red flakes around his irises danced with mischief as he grinned down at me.

  “I could spend every second of my time awake inside of you every day for the rest of my life, and I would never be able to get enough.”

  “When did you get this mushy? You’ve been so cheesily romantic since you said your vows to me.” I asked arching my brow at him.

  “You love it when I’m cheesy,” he grinned dropping a slow, leisurely kiss upon my mouth. He tasted like morning coffee and it was a flavor that I had become so addicted to.

  “If you promise to be good, maybe I’ll let you induct me into the Mile High Club,” I teased him and his eyes grew wide with hunger.

  “You wouldn’t?”

  “Oh, baby. I will.”

  “Deal.” And he scooped me up into his arms and I yelped, surprised by his enthusiasm and I giggled as he carried me all the way down to the car.

  ***

  I woke to the feeling of someone caressing my cheek. When my eyes fluttered open, I looked into the beautiful face of my wife. I must have dozed off just a few moments after we took off from the runway.

  “How long was I asleep?” I asked as I rubbed at my eyes with the heels of my hands.

  “Only about forty-
five minutes,” she pretended to pout and it was the cutest damn thing I had ever seen. Sunlight filtered through the tiny window of the airplane casting rays upon her golden hair. She looked just like an angel as she sat looking at me adoringly and I smiled as I leaned over and pressed a soft kiss upon her lips.

  I would never grow tired of the shock of electricity I felt every time I touched her, whether it was with my mouth or my hands.

  “I was thinking,” she said as she slipped her hand in between the lapels of my dress shirt where the top two buttons were popped open. I arched my brow at her, curious as to where her thoughts were taking her as her hand caressed the skin of my chest.

  “Just what are you thinking?” I asked her as I reached up and traced her jaw with the tip of my finger.

  “I’m thinking that I’ve had you down on earth, but what about in the clouds?” She bit her lip and I knew exactly what she was thinking.

  Mile High Club.

  She was spontaneous, and it was something I absolutely loved about her.

  “I’m going to go use the bathroom. Meet me back there in two minutes,” she whispered in my ear and before I could respond, she unbuckled her seatbelt and was making her way down the aisle. I turned to watch her sinful derriere walk down the narrow aisle of the aircraft. I also wasn’t immune to the stares from some of the other men on the plane as they watched her walk by.

  That’s right fuckers. She’s mine.

  I tried to mentally count to one-twenty in my head, but my other head had different ideas. Trying not to look too eager, I unbuckled my belt and made my way toward the bathroom, all the while my dick beginning to strain against the zipper of my jeans. I was too busy thinking about taking my wife to care whether some of the other passengers noticed my gigantic hard on as I made my way toward the back of the plane.

  There were two doors that were labeled lavatories as I stood in front of them. Luckily, one said vacant while the other one said occupied and I knocked on the one I knew my wife was in. She opened the door enough so I could only see her eyes and then smiled when she saw it was me. Looking right towards the front of the plane, I tried to make sure the flight attendants were busy before I stepped inside and joined my wife.