Survivor's Guilt Read online

  Sandi shook both of our hands before we walked out of the rec building towards the rental car that I had gotten for us since we would be staying in the Keys for an unknown amount of time. The warm night air hit my face and I felt relief being away from all of the people inside. It was one thing to have to deal with the pain myself, but I had felt a little uncomfortable talking to strangers about what I was going through. Even if it did seem to help.

  I helped Ellie into the passenger seat before rounding the car to take us home.

  “Can we roll down the windows?” Ellie asked as I eased the car out into traffic.

  “Sure. I could use the air.”

  Hitting the button on the automatic windows, I took a deep breath as the salty air hit my nostrils. Ellie eased back into the seat and I couldn’t help but notice how the wind made her hair whip gently around her face. It reminded me of the day on the sailboat with Lilly and I briefly closed my eyes tightly at the now painful memory and focused my eyes back on the road.

  “Think this will really help us?” I asked her as we sat in a line of traffic on our way back to the house.

  “I don’t know. If feels like an invasion of privacy having to personally tell people I don’t even know about what I went through. What we went through,” she admitted. “At the same time though, it felt nice to let it out. Holding everything in hasn’t helped.” She looked down to the knotted hands in her lap.

  “I was thinking the same thing. I just hope Sandi is right.”

  “Right about what?” She asked me as she gathered her hair over one shoulder to keep it under control as the warm breeze floated through the car.

  “I hope that we can help each other.”

  TIME

  TWO WEEKS HAD passed since the day Evan and I were arrested for what we now call “jet-skigate”. Before, I had always wished that time would slow down. I wished that I could savor the warm and sweet moments that I had with Jeremy, time I would gladly take back if I could. Now that time crept by painstakingly slow, I wanted it to speed up so that with it, time could take away my pain.

  Evan and I had settled into a comfortable camaraderie. We generally kept to ourselves most of the time, but occasionally we would go and get dinner or sit outside on the back porch sharing stories about Lilly and Jeremy.

  Still, time went by slowly. Like I was frozen in a few seconds of time, that never seemed to progress. It felt like the day that Jeremy died, my life paused. Stilled in time and there was nothing and no one that could give it the jumpstart I needed, in order to move past it and manage to live the rest of my life.

  “Hello, baby,” my mother’s voice said on the other end of the phone. It had become a ritual for her to call me everyday. I knew she worried about me, often wondering if my mind was in a good place or if I got lost so deeply in my own anguish, that I wasn’t able to function in life successfully.

  “Hey, mom.”

  “I really wish you would come home. We miss you. Want you here with us.”

  “I know, but you know I can’t. I have to finish the counseling in order to make sure that my Jet Ski theft doesn’t go on my record. The owner of the property had agreed not to press charges if I followed through. Besides, how good would it look if a paralegal had a record? No one would want to hire me.”

  A knock sounded at my door just as I finished running a brush through the ends of my hair. Evan and I had counseling homework that we had to do and thought we would do it together.

  “Oh, hey, Mom? I gotta go. Evan is here and we are heading to the beach today.”

  I heard her sigh on the other end of the phone and knew she was still reluctant about me staying with Evan.

  “Baby, I know that you both went through something horrific together, but we don’t know him. Our offer still stands for us to get you a place while you are there.”

  “I appreciate that mom, but I’m good here.”

  And I really was.

  At first I was apprehensive about staying with Evan, but the last few weeks with him have been a lot more comforting than if I had to be completely on my own.

  “Okay, dear. Just call if you need anything. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, sweetie.”

  “Love you too, mom.”

  I hung up the phone and slipped it into my purse before going to answer the door. Even though this was Evan’s house, he still respected my privacy and I was grateful for it. I tried to put on a brave face for what we were both about to have to do. Neither one of us had returned to the beach since the jet ski incident. If I had been thinking rationally that day, I probably wouldn’t have even gone then.

  Opening the door, I expected to see the quiet and composed demeanor that Evan always portrayed, but instead was met with a man whose eyes were bloodshot read and tears that dripped off the end of his nose to land on the concrete beneath our feet.

  “Evan? What’s wrong?’ I asked as I placed my hand on his forearm. I watching his shoulders move up and down as he took in a long, shaky breath trying to gain his composure. Without even thinking, I pulled him into the apartment and led him over to the couch and sat down with him. I had seen him teary-eyed over Lilly many times, but this pain was something else entirely.

  “Evan?” I prodded when he sat there silently, his hands fisted tightly in his lap, a hard line to his lips like he was on the verge of letting out a painful cry, yet tried to keep it in.

  “I just got a call from the hospital,” he began, his voice shaky with anguish. “The little girl that I had been caring for passed away his morning.”

  My hands flew to cover my mouth. I had remembered Lilly briefly telling me about a child that was Evan’s patient whose health was not in good condition. That was the reason they had stayed so close to Miami on their honeymoon. Evan didn’t want to be too far away from her in case she took a turn for the worse.

  “Oh, Evan. I’m so, so sorry.” I said, knowing that my words would be little comfort, yet it hurt me to see him like this. He was a doctor, a man who obviously cared deeply for his patients. Then to add the pain of losing this little girl, who meant a great deal to him on top of losing his wife, had to be his breaking point.

  “I called her mother. Apologized for not being there for her. I—I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Kellie. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Lilly. I didn’t even get to meet my child to say goodbye to it.”

  I froze, ridged on the spot as if my muscles couldn’t move.

  “What?” I whispered not knowing if I had heard him correctly or not.

  His red eyes looked up towards me as my eyes widened to the point of nearly bulging from their sockets.

  “Lilly had only told me a few hours before the accident that she was pregnant.”

  No.

  No.

  No.

  I began shaking my head back and forth as hot, raging tears extruded from my eyes. I couldn’t stop them and my face grew hot to the point I felt like I could pass out.

  “No, Evan, no.” I kept saying over and over.

  He sobered, almost instantly when he began to register my reaction to the information that he had just revealed to me.

  “Ellie, no. Don’t. Don’t you dare go blaming yourself for that! Don’t you fucking do it.” He said sternly and he reached over to me, placing both hands on my shoulders.

  “If it weren’t for me…” I began, barely able to hang on to my control. I was distraught, to the point that my only thoughts that I had were of Lilly and the child she was carrying. The color red, the same color of the dress she wore as the waves took her and swept her out to sea to disappear from sight, disappear from Evan’s life.

  “Ellie, it wasn’t your fault. Please. Please don’t.”

  He gathered me in his arms, holding me to him. It was the first time we had ever embraced. The first time that I had allowed anyone to show me that much affection since the accident. I sobbed into his chest as my stomach twisted in painful, agonizing knots to the point of nearly stealing my breath. He was going to
be a father, and I had taken that away from him. Now, he lost a little girl whom he had grown to love while caring for her and it made my pain even worse.

  He continued to hold me as he gently stroked my hair. His own staggered breaths proving that his own tears continued to fall. I didn’t know how long we stayed that way, needing something that we found in each other.

  Comfort.

  Reassurance.

  Time. Time passed and as he held me, it felt a little bit easier. Like each second of that time that passed, tiny chips of ice that had formed around my heart, began to break off. Maybe with more time, the warmth and security I had begun to feel with him would eventually melt everything away and the heart that I had known before Jeremy’s death would once again make it’s appearance in my life.

  ***

  I WASN’T PREPARED FOR the sensations I would feel as I held Ellie in my arms. It felt like only seconds, but minutes had passed as she offered me comfort, stroking my back with her hands, nuzzling her nose into my chest. She made me feel something that I hadn’t had since I lost my wife.

  Comfort.

  Comfort that seemed to help ease the ache in my chest only momentarily. Comfort that seemed to seep into me and warm me from the outside in. Her softness to my hardness. Both of us having darkness in us, yet coming together to try and light a pathway to continue on with our lives.

  Finally lifting her head from my chest, she looked at me with swollen eyes and tearstained cheeks. Involuntarily, I reached up to wipe a tear that had fallen from her eyes and she squeezed them shut, as if my touch seemed to soothe the ache inside of her.

  “I’m sorry, Evan. I —dammit, why does life have to be so hard? Why is it that death, one of the most predictable outcomes in life, is also the most tragic? It is a certainty that we will have to deal eventually, but that doesn’t make it easy. I’m so sorry about the baby. About the little girl, about Lilly.”

  My heart constricted in my chest because I knew she blamed herself for most of those outcomes. My devastation only made hers worse and it killed me to know that she thought that about herself. I reached for her chin, tilting it so that she had to look me in the eyes. I pinned her with a gaze, my eyes flickering back and forth between her eyes, which were as blue as the ocean I hated. Nearly the exact same color the love of my life’s were.

  Call me crazy. A madman not thinking rationally. My own logical thought completely slipping away as I lowered my head towards hers. I overlooked the widening of her eyes or the fact that she froze beneath my touch. I was compelled by a force greater than the two of us, as my lips gently touched hers. At first her mouth was hard, not quite understanding what was happening, but in the next instant, softened as her body and mind seemed to relent and give in to the moment. Not taking it any further, I just enjoyed the feel of her flesh on mine, seeping in the comfort that her presence brought to me before reasonable thoughts began to filter back in and I pulled away from her.

  “Ellie…” I said trying to apologize for my actions, yet not able to get the words past my lips.

  She sat there for several seconds, not moving and not saying anything. Internally I was kicking the shit out of myself for doing what I just did. I felt guilty and tormented by my actions. Tormented because I had no clue what the fuck I was thinking when I kissed her. Guilty because she was the first person in nearly five years that I had kissed that wasn’t my wife. Guilty that only a few weeks had passed since my wife had died, yet here I was making the moves on someone else.

  My mind swam with every degrading thought that I could think of. Every rotten and vile thing I could call or think about myself as I searched her eyes for some kind of reaction. She looked like she was on the verge of something, and I couldn’t tell if it was a freak out or what. All I knew was if my actions had done something to jeopardize our fragile, new friendship, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

  “Ellie, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.” She closed her eyes and I feared she was going to slap me, run, or maybe a combination of the two. But when she opened them, there was a softness, resignation, as she stared back at me with forgiveness in her features.

  “It’s okay, Evan. You were upset. I understand. We both haven’t been thinking clearly. We are comfortable with each other. You have brought me so much comfort by just being here with me through all of this. I don’t want to ruin that. I need this. I need us. I need your support.”

  I nodded my head in understanding as I finally let my hands fall from her face, already feeling the loss of her warm skin as I placed my palms flat on my jeans.

  “I need this too, Ellie. I don’t think I would have even made it this far if it hadn’t been for you.”

  She wiped the tears from under her face and sat up straighter.

  “Well, we still have a challenge ahead of us today,” she said changing the subject and relieving some of the awkwardness that had developed between us.

  That’s right. Sandi’s homework.

  Our last session ended with Sandi telling us to go back to where the accident happened. She insisted that if we went to the beach and confronted the thing that took Lilly and Jeremy from us, it would be one step closer towards acceptance. Ellie stood up and reached out for me and I placed my hand in hers. The warmth of her palm invaded my thoughts as our fingers laced together. A look of determination was forcefully written on her face and I knew she needed this. We needed this.

  It just didn’t make it easy.

  As we walked out of her apartment hand in hand towards the car, silent guilt consumed me. I couldn’t stop reliving the kiss over and over, still feeling the taste of her lips on mine as I flicked my tongue out to savor it. Not only was I guilty for kissing her, but guilty because I liked it.

  Too much.

  What did that mean? Was it because I was distraught and not thinking clearly? Or, was I actually lurking through semi-muddy water still able to see my feet on the ground through the surface, yet clouded by what my thoughts should be and what they wanted to be?

  Only time would tell.

  ***

  THE SUN BEAMED UP in the sky like a giant heating lamp. The rays bounced off our shoulders as we walked through the sand to the water’s edge. To the right was nothing but open sea as far as the eyes could see. But on our left, was the twin of the vessel that tore our loved ones away from us. I felt Ellie’s steps stumble when she saw the boat and I reached for her hand, looping her arm through mine. I wanted to offer her support so that we could confront a place that we both loathed. I hated how my heart rate sped up and the sweat that had began to form on my brow, became more prominent. And it wasn’t from the heat of the sun. I have talked to patients in my earlier years of practice, before I decided to specialize in pediatrics, about PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not something that I ever imagined myself having to deal with, but the closer we got to the boat, the more my anxiety ripened.

  Ellie’s nails dug into the flesh of my arm, and I doubt she even realized she was doing it. I watched her in profile, managing to tear my eyes away from the boat so that I didn’t lose it. I needed to try and stay strong for the both of us. From the expression on her face, I could tell she was on the verge of breaking down. I watched her chew on her bottom lip, worrying the flesh between her teeth. The soft blue of her eyes was dominated by wide pupils, even in the harsh light of the sun.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, reaching over to place my hand on her forearm.

  “I’m not sure,” she spoke quietly, fear and pain evident in the sound of her voice. I wanted to take her away from here. Anywhere but here.

  We both stopped in front of the boat peering up at it as its shadow casted upon us. The coolness from stepping into the shade matched the coldness in my heart as we both looked at the huge vessel with hatred, but, it wasn’t the boat that Jeremy and Lilly were on because that boat was ripped to shreds. Splintered by the angry vengeance of Mother Nature.

  I hated being here. Hated having to look at an exact r
eplica of the thing that caused us so much trauma. Beside me, I could feel the tremble in Ellie’s touch and I rubbed my hand up and down her forearm to try and soothe her.

  “What is it we were supposed to do?” Ellie asked me as she continued to stare at the boat with wide eyes.

  I reached into my back pocket, only letting go of Ellie’s arm so that I could unfold the piece of paper that Sandi had given us.

  “It says here that we are to practice grounding techniques. Describe things we see in the present, not focus on what our memories see as we recall the trauma of the incident.”

  “Okay, what do you see then?” She asked turning to me. Her eyes held the sadness I felt in my heart and I wanted to gather her in my arms to comfort her. Being with her and offering her support helped me take the focus off my own pain. It helped me to harness my energy into helping her cope with her loss, so that I didn’t have to constantly be reminded of my own.

  “Well, I see the sand. It’s kind of sparkly today,” I said looking around at our surroundings.

  “Sparkly? That’s the first thing you noticed?” She smiled, nothing like I’m sure she used to, but her lips tipped up at the corners and gave me a glimpse of her pearly white teeth. It didn’t quite meet her eyes, but just the fact that I was able to spark even the tiniest bit of humor into our dark thoughts made me feel better.

  “What do you see?” I asked as I nudged her shoulder and returning her small smile. Her eyes left mine and for a moment, I could read the pain as it tried to make it’s way back into her thoughts. Her low ponytail, secured at her nape, left her face open to me, giving me a clear view of her expressions. She was one of those people who, no matter how hard they tried to hide things from the outside world, still have their feelings written all over their face. Her eyes would lighten or darken with mood, switching back and forth between a bright vivid blue when she was happy or amused, and a darker, cloudier blue when the pain consumed her. More often than not, the dark was what I saw, but there were those rare instances when I was rewarded with the happier, vibrancy of her cerulean blues.