Survivor's Guilt Read online

  It didn’t matter. His body wasn’t inside anyway.

  Jeremy’s body was never recovered. It was reported that he was lost at sea and that any hope of recovery was impossible. Swallowed up by the ocean like the raging bitch she was. I hated her. Something so beautiful, yet so ugly as to rip my very life away from me. I wanted to vomit every time I tasted salt. I wanted to scream every time someone asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

  “Jeremy Morris was one of the kindest men you’d ever meet. His life was tragically taken far too soon, but God says that he has plans for us both on Earth and in Heaven. The Lord saw it fit that Jeremy’s purpose on this Earth was done and called him to be with Him and his angels in the kingdom of Heaven,” the preacher said.

  “Yea though I walk through valley of the shadow of death…” he prayed.

  Shadows.

  Death.

  Darkness.

  That was all I could feel.

  One by one, people walked by the empty casket offering me condolences. I had no doubt they were all heartfelt, yet they didn’t mean shit. How could someone comfort you when the person you loved more than your own life was laying at the bottom of the ocean while you were alive and breathing?

  It felt like ages before everyone finally made his or her rounds and I was left standing next to an empty box that matched the empty hole inside of me.

  Only a week ago, we stood in the same little church, in the same little North Carolina town as we vowed to spend the rest of our lives together. Little did we know, that I would be standing in that same church saying goodbye to that same life. Goodbye to my very best friend.

  “Come on, baby, I’ll drive you home,” I heard my father say as he came and took the umbrella I was haphazardly holding over my head from my hands.

  Home. I hadn’t been there since I arrived back in North Carolina when I was released from the hospital. My mom and dad both flew to Florida to help me bring both my stuff, and my dead husband’s things, back home. I knew they were afraid of what my mental state would be when they first saw me. Especially when I kept talking about Jeremy like he would miraculously appear any second.

  I found myself listening to old voicemails on my phone so that I could hear his voice. I had already had to recharge my cell several times that day because I would sit and listen to them over and over until the battery would die.

  Die just like him.

  The charge of his life was gone and with it, my rapidly diminishing energy and will to continue in this life without him.

  My father led me by the elbow as we walked to his car. I struggled to fight back the tears as I relived the memory of him escorting me down the aisle in my beautiful wedding dress. The way my eyes lit up when I saw Jeremy standing at the altar waiting for me. I wanted to sprint to him, rather than walk slowly. He was the one thing in my life I was certain of.

  I sat stoically in the passenger seat of my father’s car as we drove away from the cemetery towards my home. The home I was supposed to be sharing with my husband. I thought to myself. The rain flowed like ribbons against the window before vanishing through the wind as the car sped down the road.

  “Ellie, baby. Talk to me,” my dad’s soft voice broke through my thoughts. I felt his hand cover mine and I had to take a deep breath to keep from unraveling like worn strings hanging on by the last thread.

  “What do you want me to say, Daddy?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just need reassurance that you are okay. I wish there were a way I could take the pain you are feeling away from you. I’d gladly take every bit of it for myself if I knew you wouldn’t have to go through this.”

  Hot tears began to flow down my cheeks but I didn’t reach up to wipe them. I let them fall freely, landing in my lap and absorbing into my black dress.

  “I know you have a long journey ahead of you, sweetheart. Your mother and I want you to know that whatever you need, we are here. You don’t have to go through this alone. We loved Jeremy like our own son. He was a part of you, so he was a part of us.”

  “Is a part of me, Daddy. He is a part of me.”

  I heard him take a deep breath, but the tremble in it told me he was choked up without me even having to turn and face him.

  “Your mom and I think that you should come stay with us for a while. We want to be able to support you and be there to help you in any way we can. Mom doesn’t want you sitting in that big house alone.”

  “I’ll be okay. There are so many wedding presents to go through. Thank you cards to send. I need to sort through Jeremy’s things and talk with his parents about what I need to do with it all.”

  He patted my knee like he had ever since I was a child and he was trying to offer courage or reinforcement.

  “Just know we are here.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  ***

  I SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF the floor staring at all the gifts that surrounded me. His and her towels. His and her coffee cups. His and her customized pillow cases.

  His and her…

  His and her…

  I picked up one of the mugs and threw it at the wall and watched it shatter as it fell to the floor.

  There was no ‘his and her’ anymore.

  Only her.

  Alone.

  Desolate.

  Broken.

  My chest felt hollow but ached with enough force that I nearly couldn’t breathe. Gut wrenching sobs and a flood of tears involuntarily poured out of me as I sat with my arms crossed over me and rocked back and forth.

  How could this have happened? How could fate be so cruel as to give me the love of my life only to have him taken from me in the blink of an eye?

  I needed to hear his voice. I reached for my phone and pulled up the voicemails again. His low laughter rang in my ears and it was like a soothing balm on my burned soul. The phone fell to the floor after it had once again gone dead. I was fearful that if I didn’t listen to his voice, that I would forget the way it sounded.

  He can’t really be gone.

  There was no telling how long I had sat there staring into the empty space of my living room. My body had long gone stiff from sitting on the hardwood floor, yet I welcomed the pain. Any pain, in order to help mask the pain I was feeling in my heart.

  I shook my head. It felt so wrong for me to be sitting in our home without him. If felt like abandonment for me to be hundreds of miles away while my husband was in Florida. I felt so disconnected from him.

  I got up from the floor and ran up to my room and began throwing things haphazardly into a bag. I didn’t care what I was bringing with me. All I needed were a few changes of clothes and some toiletries. For the first time since the incident I felt like I was thinking clearly. There was no way I could stay here.

  I ran into the closet and brought down an old box from the top shelf. Opening it, I reached in to retrieve the cash and emergency credit cards that Jeremy and I had stashed away for a rainy day. That coupled with the savings in the bank should be enough for me to get by for a while.

  Grabbing the bag and my purse, I belted down the stairs and into the garage to the car. I didn’t know what I was doing here to begin with. I never should have left.

  I shouldn’t have left him.

  I needed to go to where my husband was.

  ***

  “EVAN, CAN I SEE YOU in my office, please?” My chief of staff, Robert, asked as he passed me in the hall. I handed the clipboard I was holding to the nurse standing next to me and told her to go in and check on the patient and that I would be right back.

  I knocked on the door to Robert’s office before stepping in.

  “You wanted to see me?”

  “Yes. Please close the door and have a seat Dr. Taylor,” he said gesturing towards the chair in front of his desk.

  He waited until I was seated in the chair with his hands clasped together in front of him on the desk.

  “Evan, what are you doing here?” He asked as he looked me right in the eye.
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  “What do you mean? I was doing rounds. Several of my patients are still recovering from operations and I had a few pre-op meetings with parents—”

  “I didn’t mean what you were doing while you are here, Evan. Why are you here?”

  I had no answer to give him. I needed the distraction? I wanted to lose myself in paperwork and visits with patients. Anything to take my mind off—

  “For Christ’s sake, Evan. You just lost your wife. This hospital is the last place you should be.”

  Heat flooded my veins as anger began to form within me.

  “I’m fine, Robert. I just need to stay busy that’s all. I just need to try and go on. The more idle I am, the more I get lost inside my own head and I just can’t do that right now.”

  He looked down at his hands before looking back up at me. When I saw his eyes next, they held sympathy, just like everyone else who I had to talk to since arriving back at the hospital.

  “I understand that. I really do. But you gave orders for the wrong med dosage. Luckily one of the nurses caught the mistake before it was administered.”

  “That was an oversight on my part. I’m thankful our nurses are trained to double check things before administering the medicines.” I replied.

  “Yes, I too am thankful for that, but it could have been a fatal mistake. Luckily it wasn’t. Your head isn’t here no matter how hard you try to tell yourself it is. You cannot tell me you can work on patients when you can’t even take care of yourself.”

  “I’m taking care of myself just fine.” I bit out through a clenched jaw.

  “Evan. You’re unshaven, your eyes look dark and clouded like you haven’t slept in days. I know coffee and adrenaline are the only things keeping you going right now, but if you are going to be here, I need you at one-hundred percent.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “I’ve spoken to the board. We think it is in your best interest to take a sabbatical. Take time to heal and to mourn the loss of Lilly. We all loved her dearly, Evan, so it pains us to see you having to go through this. She was a very special woman.”

  I fought against the tears threatening to form. I needed this hospital. It was the only place I felt safe from my thoughts. It was the only place I could go to and not think about my dead wife every second of the day. It kept me busy and busy is what I needed.

  “How long?” I barked out.

  “Indefinitely. Until we see that you are fit to return. You will be put on paid hospital administration leave until further notice.”

  “You’ve got to be shitting me?’ I rose to my feet violently, sending the chair behind me crashing into the wall.

  “Evan, you can’t keep walking around acting like nothing happened. You need time to grieve. Time to process. Maybe even get some counseling…”

  “Fuck you and your counseling I know what I need and it isn’t some goddamned quack telling me how I should feel!”

  “We only have your best interests at heart, Evan. Please try to understand that. You are in denial, and until you can come to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back, you won’t be able to practice at this hospital. I’m truly very sorry for your loss.”

  He walked over and placed his hand on my shoulder, but I brushed him off, turning to yank open the door. The force of my actions caused the door to slam harshly against the wall, but I ignored it as I stormed out of his office, pulling my nametag off from around my neck in the process.

  Turning around I tossed it to him.

  “Lilly would call you a dick for doing this. You all have no right to tell me how I should mourn my wife. She’s still here with me. I can feel it.”

  Then I turned and stormed out of the hospital.

  ***

  “ELLISON MICHELLE BURNETTE!! What is Christ’s name are you doing?” My mother’s voice yelled through my phone as I stuffed my bag in the overhead compartment and took my seat next to an elderly woman.

  “I’ve been calling you for hours, so when you didn’t answer, I sent your father over to check on you. Now you tell me you are on an airplane?”

  She squeaked into the phone, and I had to hold it away from my ear to diminish the piercing sound.

  “Morris, Momma. My last name is Morris. And it’s fine. I just need to go back.”

  She sighed on the other end of the phone and I could tell she was thinking about what to say next. Ever since Jeremy’s death, she had been walking on eggshells around me, careful that if she made a wrong step, I would break.

  “Sweetheart, I don’t see what going back to Florida will do to help you. You need to be here at home where your family and friends can be here to support you.”

  To me, that was the last thing I wanted. To be surrounded by friends and family was like a constant reminder of who wasn’t there in my life. Jeremy’s death had not only left a vacancy in my heart, but in my ability to be around others that I loved.

  “But momma, Jeremy is in Florida. I need to go to him. I need to be where I can feel close to him.”

  “Honey. Please come home. Get off the plane and come talk to us. We can get you help. We can find some way to help you cope with this. Baby…” she paused and I knew she was struggling with what came out of her mouth next.

  “Jeremy isn’t in Florida. He’s gone, baby. I’m so sorry. I know you are still in denial about the whole thing. We all are. I am worried about you.”

  I hung up on my mother as the flight attendant instructed us to fasten our belts. I didn’t want to hear her talk about Jeremy anymore. I knew where he was. Florida was the last place we were together. It was the last place we made love, kissed, and told each other how much we loved one another. I needed to be able to feel that again. I needed to feel the connection to him again. I hated waking up and feeling like one of my limbs was cut off. It made me feel awkward, like I had a limp because my heart and body felt broken without him.

  “Going to spend some time in paradise?” The older woman next to me asked just as the plane ascended into the air. Her smile was warm, the tone of her voice soothing, and for a while it was a great distraction to talk to her.

  She spoke about going to see her grandkids and spending a few weeks with her newborn grandson.

  A different pang of hurt ripped through my chest when the woman spoke about the baby. Jeremy and I always talked about having children. He was an only child, so he wanted to have several. He told me many times about how he wished he had siblings growing up and that he wanted his children to have them.

  Now, we’ll never have kids. I’ll never have the joy of both of our hearts and love coming together to produce something as precious as a child.

  “What is in Florida that you are going for?” The old lady asked, breaking through my painful daydream.

  I smiled as sweetly as I could so that she couldn’t see just how empty I was feeling.

  “I’m going to see my husband.”

  ANGER

  THE SAND STUNG THE soles of my feet as I paced back and forth on the beach, watching the ocean, something that looked so beautiful, yet held an ugly soul, crash upon the land. The sun was bright, shining on the tiny crystal pieces of sand making it appear to glow. It was something that enticed vacationers, the beautiful contrast of the cerulean blue ocean and the white sand, yet I hated it.

  They always say that beauty comes from pain, but there was nothing beautiful about the pain I was feeling. The earth could swallow me whole, scalpels could mar my flesh, disease could overwhelm my body, breaking it down, and it would be less painful than the desperate ache I constantly felt after losing the love of my life.

  I hated the sound of laughter, making it feel like an ear piercing squeal that broke through and taunted my subconscious, reminding me of what I lost. My blood boiled. My anger was aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, and even my own friends and family. How dare they be happy? How could they say they knew what I was going through when I was the one going through it? I hated the coast guards for not being ab
le to find him. I hated the boat Captain for not recognizing that the storm was so close, and I was even angry with Jeremy for leaving me.

  “Will you marry me?” I heard just a few feet from me and then turned in the direction of the voice. A man, probably no older than I was, knelt on one knee holding out what appeared to be a ring box, while the girl in front of him covered her mouth with her hands like she was in shock. I had to bite back the bile that threatened to rise as I witnessed the proposal. The woman nodding her head frantically and the man then standing to scoop her in his arms and kiss her passionately. Needing to get away, I quickened my pace to the point I was almost in a sprint and my legs burned from running in the sand.

  Slowing my pace, I bent over to catch my breath, hands on my knees as sweat dripped off the end of my nose. Sinking to the sand, I dropped to my knees as pain tore through me. I hated that I felt so angry. I hated that I hated Jeremy for leaving me. I felt abandoned, lonely, like there wasn’t a soul on this planet that knew the torment I experienced everyday.

  I crawled on my hands and knees over to the beach edge. Sitting down where the water slid up the sand, yet not touching me, I looked to the horizon trying to find some clarity, and reached out my hand to touch the water as it appeared right in front of me. It felt like it stung my skin and I jerked my hand back. I have never been so afraid of something in my life. Baths were no longer a question and on the occasion when I did feel like bathing, it was always a quick shower. Water was now my enemy. It was something that gave you life. Hell, the body was made up of eighty percent of it, but it was also a killer. A sick, sadistic and twisted murderer that was unrelenting when it wanted something.

  “Hello, Miss,” a young man said as he appeared at my side. Sunglasses hid his eyes and a ball cap shaded most of his face from me as I glanced up and the sun shined in my eyes.

  “Sol-Mate Rentals is having a special on Sea-Doo rentals and sailboat lessons if you are interested.”

  He reached into a backpack that was strapped across his stupidly muscled, bare chest, and handed me a bright orange flyer that advertised their deals.