Survivor's Guilt Read online

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company,” she said as she raised both of her hands to her cheeks and shuffled back a step or two to retreat back through the door.

  I couldn’t help but admire her beauty in that moment and felt the corners of my lips turn up at the thought. The memory of the way she felt beneath me as we made love, still very fresh in my mind. I tore my gaze from her as she began to turn and leave the room and caught my mother staring at me. Her eyes inquisitive, her curiosity peaked, and a small smile of mischief upon her lips.

  Jumping up quicker than any sixty-two year old woman probably should, she was at Ellie’s side in a matter of seconds.

  “Oh sweetheart, do come in. I’ve heard so much about you from our Evan. Come. Have a seat with us.” She said to Ellie as she cupped her elbow and tried to practically drag her back into the room.

  “I’m sure you would love to visit with your son. I don’t want to intrude,” Ellie said as her eyes locked with mine searching for help, a small amount of fear piercing through her blue orbs.

  “Don’t be ridiculous! I can see my son any old time. You just come on back in here.”

  Something you have to learn about my mom. She doesn’t take no for an answer. Once Eleanor has her sights set on something, she usually doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. Just ask my father.

  My mom guided Ellie over to sit next to me on the loveseat before joining my father on the couch. Several long, awkward seconds passed between as we sat there. Ellie and I risked sideways glances between each other, her smile in place to hide the anxiety she was feeling. I thought it would be good of me to try and rescue her.

  “Mom, Dad, this is Ellison Morris. Ellie, these are my parents, Eleanor and Russell Taylor.” Ellie stood slightly and reached over to extend a hand to both of them.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet both of you.”

  “Pleasure, Ellison,” my father replied smiling warmly at her.

  “Oh, please call me Ellie.”

  “As long as you call me Rusty. My dad was Russell, and he was an old fart.”

  Ellie giggled and like that, it seemed some of the ease was lifted from her shoulders.

  “So are the two of you taking classes or something?” My mom asked glancing at both of us. Her hands poised in her lap as her eyes flicked back and forth between Ellie and me.

  Ellie stiffened by my side from my mom’s question and I stuttered in response.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, it’s just that when Ellie came into the room, she was asking about an assignment.”

  Shit.

  “Where are you from, Ellie?” My father chimed in. I silently thanked him even though I knew we were only delaying the inevitable. One thing about my father is that his years of being a doctor gave him the uncanny ability to read people. He could always tell if they were lying, sad, or hiding things. Luckily, he hadn’t seemed to catch on to the fact of why or how Ellie and I knew each other in the first place.

  “I’m from North Carolina,” she replied sweetly.

  “I went deep sea fishing near Wilmington once. Beautiful area.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  A look of sadness briefly washed across Ellie’s face and I knew she was missing home. It’s been two months that she has been in the Keys with me, not having gone home at all yet. That may be something that I should do something about.

  “So what brings you all the way down here, sweetie?” My mom asked.

  Ellie tucked her hair behind her ear, but I noticed the small tremble of her hand as she did so. Her knee bounced slightly as she cleared her throat. I reached over and grabbed her hand, entwining our fingers without thinking. I felt desperate to offer the comfort that came so easy for me to give to her. My mom’s eyes grew wide and she smiled once what I just did registered with her.

  I blew out a sigh of resignation.

  “Ellie is here because well, shit…” I said trying to find the words to tell them the truth.

  “Evan, language. There is a lady present,” my mom scolded.

  “Oh trust me, mom. She’s heard a lot worse from me.”

  My mother just shook her head at me and I knew that if it weren’t for Ellie being right next to me, I would get a thorough scolding from her about manners and how a gentleman should act.

  “Ellie and I know each other,” I began again, “Because she lost her husband in the accident.”

  Everyone was silent for several long seconds. My father sat up straighter and my mother lifted her hands to her mouth to cover the tremble of her lips as tears swam in her eyes.

  “Oh my goodness, Ellie. I’m so sorry. We had no idea.”

  My mom stood up and came over and wrapped her arms around Ellie. Peering over her shoulder, my mom looked at me, sympathy glaring at me through her unshed tears. My parents loved Lilly just as much as I did. Just as much as I do. They didn’t take the news well about her death and it still seems to have an effect on them. Especially my mom. I am an only child, so when Lilly and I began dating, my mother gained the daughter she never had and they bonded instantly. Ellie sniffled next to me as my mother reluctantly released her, and I rubbed her back offering my own comfort.

  “Honestly, Mrs. Taylor, if it weren’t for Evan these last few months, I’m not sure I would even be here right now.” Ellie turned to look at me and the tears in her eye showed her grief, but they also held something more for me.

  Longing.

  I could feel the tension radiate between us. It wasn’t a bad tension, but instead something completely welcome and profound. I wanted to kiss her. Take away the hurt and fill her with promises that everything was going to be okay. That as long as we had each other, we could get through anything. Shock registered through me as I realized that my feelings for her seemed to run deeper than I ever thought that they did.

  “That’s not the whole story,” Ellie said wiping at her eyes.

  “I’m afraid that I have gotten Evan and myself into some trouble and that is why we are both still down here.”

  “What do you mean?” My mother asked her looking puzzled.

  “I kind of stole a Jet Ski and Evan and I were both arrested when he took one to come after me because I took off out into the middle of the ocean.”

  “What?” My father said, his voice raising several levels.

  “You were arrested? Does the hospital know about this?”

  “Dad, calm down. No. The hospital doesn’t know, yet.” I reassured him.

  “But it is a matter of public record, Evan. How could you be so careless? You realize that there is potential damage to your career?”

  “Rusty,” my mom scolded.

  “Eleanor. We have watched him bust his ass in medical school to get to where he is today. What would happen if his arrest reflected badly on him and all because he stole a Jet Ski?”

  “Mr. Taylor, in all fairness, Evan was just trying to help me. His intentions were nothing but well intended. I was the one who actually committed the theft,” Ellie admitted, defeat and embarrassment written on her face.

  “Why in the world would you want to do that, dear?” My mother asked in a calm voice, although I could tell she was affected by the news.

  “Well,” Ellie began as she swallowed audibly. I reached for her hand again, desperate to have that connection with her. Even if it were just our palms touching. “Most of the bodies were recovered from the ocean, but my Jeremy’s wasn’t. I was completely distraught by the fact that I had to lay an empty casket in the ground because my husband’s body was still lost at sea. I guess I just snapped. I had just lost my husband and reality and I weren’t on a first name basis at that moment. I was thinking irrationally and thought that I could go and find him myself. I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. I never wanted Evan to get into trouble. I didn’t even know he was even here. I promise.”

  “Oh you poor thing!” My mom exclaimed as she pulled Ellie in for another hug, effectively breaking our hands apart.


  “The judge was quite lenient with us. He said that the owner of the place we took the Jet Skis from agreed to drop all charges if we got counseling. I guess he was informed about how Ellie and I both lost our spouses in the accident. The judge agreed and that is what we were sentenced to. Grief counseling.” I said jumping in to Ellie’s defense. I saw the silent thank you and relief in her eyes when she turned to look at me after removing herself from my mother’s embrace.

  “So you two have been going through counseling the entire time you have been here?” My mother questioned. Ellie and I both nodded our heads in unison.

  “Well, I guess some good has come out of all of this then. Even though it was forced on you, I think counseling is the best thing that you two could participate in,” my father admitted.

  “Ellie, dear, have you eaten yet? Rusty and I decided to forego the dinner on the short plane ride so that we would be hungry to dine with Evan. I’m famished. Would you like to join us for dinner? We could all go out so that we don’t have to make a mess of the kitchen. What do you say?”

  “That sounds really lovely, but I’m sure you would much rather catch up with your son. I just planned on making it a quiet night in,” Ellie replied. I felt disappointed that she didn’t want to come. I wanted to spend more time with her. The last few days I have been walking around feeling only half full. Now that I have had a taste of her, my desire was only magnified that much more. It no longer felt like a betrayal to Lilly, but instead I felt like she was right there with me, cheering me on, and guiding me. She was always my biggest supporter and I had no doubt in my mind that she was doing so in the afterlife. For some weird, sardonic reason, fate had brought Ellie and I back together, so it was fate I was going to allow to lead me.

  “Nonsense, of course you’re coming. You can’t leave me with two boys. All they will talk about is boy stuff. I need a female companion. Please?” My mom batted her eyelashes playfully at Ellie and I saw the moment she gave in. My mother, always able to talk anyone into anything. Maybe it was her sweetness, or just the way she interacted with people, but again, she hardly ever heard the word no. I was even more thankful for that at that very moment.

  ***

  EVAN’S PARENTS INSISTED on going to this tiny, hole-in-the-wall bar that sat right on the edge of the ocean. The sound of music coming from the local dive all but drowned out the roar of the waves as they crashed upon the shore. Inside, it was crazy busy. Waitresses fluttered around the small space as if it were a modern day Icecapades performance on hardwood.

  “Best place in town to get seafood,” Rusty said over his shoulder, trying to carry his voice above the music. I glanced all around the restaurant taking in the flashing neon signs, faded seashell wallpaper and a chalkboard menu so large it took up an entire wall. The smell of sizzling shrimp and hushpuppies filled the air and my stomach growled in protest from how hungry I truly was.

  “I’ll be damned, if it isn’t Rusty Taylor,” a long-haired older man said as he approached Rusty and pulled him into a huge bear hug. He then proceeded to pick up Eleanor and spin her around in a large circle before placing her back on her feet. His shoulder-length, silver hair shone beneath the fluorescent lights. His overly tanned skin gave away the amount of years he had probably lived on the island. But it was the deep wrinkles around his bright green eyes that did me in when he looked at me with kindness and winked.

  “Tommy Barnes. Hell, you still running this place?” Rusty said playfully punching his friend on the arm.

  “Nah, I signed this shit hole over to Lil’ Tommy a few years ago. I just help out on the busy nights. Follow me I’ll clear you out a table.”

  We followed Tommy towards the back of the room, passing a group of people that were crowded around the stage witnessing two college girls belting out horrible lyrics to I Will Survive. I smiled when a warm memory of when Jeremy dragged me to a karaoke bar on Costal North Carolina and much to my surprise dragged me on stage to sing Sonny and Cher’s I Got You Babe.

  I held tightly to Evan’s hand as he led us through the throws of people and couldn’t help but feel comfortable with his touch. It had been several days since we made love. I was afraid that things would be weird between us, or that worse, I wouldn’t want to be around him because I had gone back on what I said I wouldn’t do and regret the moment we shared.

  Tommy stopped in front of a table that had about four people sitting nursing on beers and fruity drinks.

  “You all ordering any food?” He asked looking at the group that barely looked as if they were old enough to be in the bar in the first place.

  Several of them shook their head.

  “Then get on up. This here table is for food buying patrons. If you want to squat, go do it over there,” He said hooking his thumb over his shoulder towards the bar where the bartender was working furiously to fill drink orders. We each sat down, Evan’s parents on one side and Evan and I on the other. Evan let go of my hand to pull out my chair for me and immediately I missed the warmth of his palm on mine.

  Tommy reached over to the table behind him and pulled a chair up to the end of the table, spinning it around so that he straddled it and rested his arms on the back.

  “So what brings you to my neck of the woods, Rus? Usually you two don’t come down here until Fall.”

  Dark expressions crossed our faces as the reminder set in as to why it was we were all in the Keys.

  “Evan has been here for a while and so we decided to come visit him,” my mom chimed in helping to break the sudden wave of anxious tension between us.

  “Oh shit man, I didn’t even think. I heard all about the accident. Such a tragedy. I’m very sorry about Lilly. She was a great woman,” Tommy said as he cupped Evan on the shoulder.

  “Thanks. She was.”

  Tommy leant to the side and caught me with his green eyes.

  “And who are you sweetheart?” He asked as he offered a sweet smile. It worked to suppress some of the nervous and uneasy feeling that had suddenly appeared in my stomach.

  “My name is Ellie. I’m friends with Evan. Actually, I lost my husband in the accident.”

  I figured it was probably worth it to just come right out with the information about Jeremy. I didn’t want any questions about the relationship between Evan and me. I didn’t want to have to define what we were or weren’t, and honestly, I didn’t even know myself.

  Tommy’s smile relaxed slightly but he still kept it there to liven the mood.

  “Well, you are amongst good people darlin’. I’ve known this ole chap since we was pulling off his diapers and running on the beach buck naked,” he said playfully nudging Evan’s shoulder and I watched his face blush a beautiful shade of red that made me giggle.

  “Oh good Lord. I couldn’t keep pants on him when he was a toddler. Every chance he got, he stripped down to his birthday suit and ran around free-balling it,” Eleanor said as she looked longingly at Evan with a huge grin on her face.

  “Mom!” Evan scolded and we all erupted in laughter.

  “Shelly will be along in a few to take your order,” Tommy said winking at us and stood to place the chair he was sitting in back over with the other table.

  “Oh, I don’t have a menu,” I said looking and then noticing that neither did Evan or his parents.

  “No need for one, little lady. It’s all up there,” Tommy said pointing at the large chalkboard covered wall.

  “Rus, you better not leave without joining me in a round of pool on the ole table before you leave. You too Evan.” Tommy winked once more at me and walked towards the bar.

  “So, what’s good here?” I asked Evan nudging him with my elbow while I scanned the menu, trying to read the words between all the heads that bobbed around in front of it.

  “Just about everything is Tommy’s recipe. But if I had to choose my favorite thing up there, it would be the crab cake sandwich and onion rings.”

  “Sounds good to me. I can’t really see what is at the bottom of the men
u anyway.”

  A girl named Shelly came and took our orders before disappearing into the crowd again.

  “It’s crazy busy here tonight. I bet Tommy’s son was glad for the extra help from his dad,” I said looking around the room.

  “Tommy was being modest, Ellie. This place looks like this almost every night.”

  My eyes widened as I scanned the crowd again.

  “Only place on the island that has karaoke,” Evan explained.

  “This place still looks the same it did twenty years ago. Don’t you think Eleanor?”

  She chuckled.

  “Tommy never was one for change. So yeah, it does.”

  A set of girls walked up on stage and took the mics from their stands as a familiar set of guitar rips began to play through the speaker. The glassed-over look in their eyes coupled with the slight pink tinge to each of their cheeks told me they were probably already several drinks into their night. Bright colored bikini tops shone through their thin cotton shirts and tank tops, while the shorts they wore were so short, the pockets hung from beneath the hem at their thighs. Seriously. Someone should tell them that your girly bits should never hang lower than your shorts. I shook my head.

  “What are you laughing about?” Evan asked, leaning in to whisper in my ear since the volume of the music had risen several octaves. I felt a small shiver of tingly awareness race down my spine from his brush of breath alone.

  “Just that my mom would have killed me if I wore clothes like that out in public. They have to barely even be twenty-one.”

  “Oh, and like you are old? You’re what twenty-five? That makes you an expert on fashion, right?” He teased.

  I puffed in mock insult while placing my hands on my hips.

  “I’m twenty-eight, thank you very much. And I may be no expert, but at least I wear something that doesn’t risk suffocating my vagina.”