Survivor's Guilt Page 6

  “Oh, and so you thought you could just hijack a Jet Ski and go out there and find him? Smart, real smart, lady.”

  “My name is Ellie,” I growled.

  “I don’t care who you are, Ellie. All I know is you are here when Lilly isn’t. Not only did I have to pull you out of the water once, but twice now. Excuse me if my greeting isn’t anything more than hostile,” he growled back.

  “What’s going on in here?” A tall uniformed officer spoke loudly as he approached the cell.

  “Nothing officer, just trying to break through someone’s logic as to why they have a death wish.”

  “I wasn’t trying to kill myself! I was trying to find my husband!” I yelled as the tears flowed freely down my face.

  “Her dead husband.”

  “Fuck you!” I whispered and then collapsed into my own lap as heavy sobs tore through me. My eyes were swollen and I found it difficult to catch my breath.

  “Ease up on the woman will ya?” The officer said to him.

  “Ease up on her? Have you not seen the news? I’m Evan Taylor. My wife died right along with her husband. She isn’t the only one feeling the aftermath of this fucked up shit. I was just trying to help her, yet again. Why the hell did I get arrested?”

  “We’ll find out why Mr. Taylor.”

  “Doctor. It’s Doctor.”

  “Noted, Doctor. Just sit tight. I’ll see what’s going on.”

  I sat crying as I listened to the man whose name I now remembered to be Evan, talk to the officer. My stomach twisted in knots and I wished I could be anywhere but here.

  God, if you could just get me out of here. If you could just take this pain away, I’ll do better. If you could just bring Jeremy back to me, I promise to do everything right. I’ll volunteer. I’ll give to the poor. I’ll go to church more often.

  The thoughts circulated through me as I thought of every excuse I could to bargain with God. I had so many if only’s, I wills, and if you would justs that God himself was probably tired of hearing me.

  I felt someone come and sit next to me and I didn’t bother looking over to see who it was. I kept my face turned, my focus trained on the tiny square that let the only piece of natural light into the dark, dank jail cell.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I know you are hurting just as much as I am and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m still so angry over the whole thing. You don’t deserve my wrath. If it were Lilly that was stuck in the cabin of that boat, I would have tried to go back in too.”

  I was shocked to hear his apology and it only made me cry even harder.

  It felt like hours had passed, both of us sitting next to each other not speaking, not looking at one another, but only existing in the same space. It hurt to breath the same air as him, to feel responsible for two lives. I didn’t want him to hate me, but I didn’t blame him that he did.

  “Ellison Morris and Evan Taylor?” A younger female officer said as she approached the gate.

  “Yes?” We both said in unison.

  “The court is ready for you now. Please follow me,” she said as she opened the cell and waited for both of us to pass.

  “I thought it was usually a couple of days before we would have a hearing. Our lawyers haven’t even arrived.”

  “Your lawyer, Doctor Taylor, has arrived. He is waiting in the courtroom for you. Mrs. Morris has chosen to represent herself.”

  “You what?” Evan turned to ask me as we walked down a large white hallway illuminated in old yellow fluorescent lighting.

  “Paralegal,” was all I said as we followed the officer down several more hallways.

  “That doesn’t make you a lawyer,” he scolded.

  “No, but I know enough about the process to know what I am doing.”

  “What are you going to do? Claim insanity?”

  I guess I could claim insanity. A woman who only days after losing the love of her life, now lost all cognitive thoughts and went off into a fit of madness as she grieved her dead husband.

  I didn’t reply as we walked down several more corridors before finally reaching the entrance to the courthouse. Even though all of our possessions had been taken from us, including the wedding rings we still wore, we were patted down again before we stepped inside. People were huddled in groups no doubt discussing their options with their lawyers. The lady officer guided Evan toward his lawyer who reached out to shake his handcuffed hands.

  “Wait here for instructions,” the officer said to me and I nodded as I sat on a bench while she sat behind me. Several minutes, could have been ten or even twenty, went by and I sat picking at my cuticles wondering what the hell I was going to do to get out of this mess.

  “All rise for the honorable Judge Lucas,” the bailiff announced to the audience and we all stood up while an old man with pepper grey hair took the bench in his dark robe. Banging the mallet against the bench, he called the court to order.

  Several cases were called before us. Most of them were young kids caught shoplifting or traffic violations. Evan sat across the aisle from me secretly whispering to his lawyer, every once in a while looking my direction out of the corner of his eye.

  “Dr. Evan Taylor,” the judge said as he shuffled through some papers in front of him. Evan and his lawyer stood up and made their way to stand in front of the judge.

  “Afternoon, Dr. Taylor,” the judge said, addressing Evan. “What is a good outstanding citizen like yourself doing in my courtroom accused of felony theft?” He asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly at Evan. Meanwhile, I sat back and watched the whole interaction, trying to plan out what it was I was going to say. Evan probably had it half in his mind to accuse me of everything, which, technically, was true. I was the one who stole the Jet Ski. I was the one who drove out into the middle of the ocean like a woman possessed. All he did was try to save me.

  “Your honor, if I may, my client Dr. Taylor, was just trying to prevent Miss Morris from potentially killing herself. He didn’t steal the other jet ski, only borrowed it because the employee refused to leave the business in order to retrieve the one stolen.”

  Mrs. I am a Goddamned Mrs.! I thought to myself. I wanted to leap up from the bench and proclaim that I was still married even though my husband was no longer with me, instead, I chose to keep quiet in order to not get myself into anymore trouble than I was already in.

  “Miss Morris, approach the bench please,” the Judge said, looking down at me over the top of his thick-framed glasses. Tentatively, I stood up and scooted myself out of the narrowly placed bench and made my way to stand before him.

  “Mrs. Your honor,” I spoke quietly.

  “Beg your pardon?” He asked raising his caterpillar like brows at me. I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat and cleared it before speaking again.

  “I am Mrs. Morris, not Miss, Sir.”

  “Noted Mrs. Morris. Now, care to tell me what happened today?”

  Taking a deep breath, I decided to stick with the words I had been practicing over and over in my mind as I had been sitting in the courtroom.

  “I wasn’t thinking, your honor. See—“ I said pausing to take another breath, this time shaky.

  “A little over a week ago I was on this very beach celebrating my honeymoon with my husband. He surprised me with this wonderful dinner cruise out on the ocean at sunset.”

  I paused again, feeling the tears begin to sting my eyes. As much as I have cried, I was surprised that I even had any remaining. Eventually your tear ducts would just give up and dry up, right? I couldn’t imagine going on like this anymore.

  “You were a victim of the boat accident,” he stated rather than questioned. Realization dawned on him as he looked to Evan and then back to me.

  “Both of you.”

  I only nodded and Evan replied with a desolate, “Yes, sir,” as the first hot tear trickled down my cheek.

  “Please continue, Mrs. Morris.”

  “Not all of the, um, bodies were recovered from the boat. My husband�
��s was one of them.”

  I could hear whispers in the courtroom and the judge had to ask everyone to remain quiet.

  “I’ve very sorry for your loss, Mrs. Morris, and yours as well Dr. Taylor, but stealing private property is a felony offense, you know that right?” The judge reprimanded.

  Again I nodded my head.

  God please. Please let the judge have a heart. Please. I’ll do anything. I’ll try to adjust to this better.

  “I can’t imagine what you’re both going through. Losing a loved one, especially a spouse as young as yours, has to be incredibly difficult. But, that doesn’t give you privilege to think you can go above and beyond the law.”

  More tears followed and this time, I wiped them by lifting my handcuffed clad hands to my face.

  The judged looked down at his paperwork, then removed his glasses and rubbed at his tired looking eyes.

  “I’m really struggling with what the right thing to do here would be. I know that your actions were based on the grief you are both feeling right now. The pain has to be unbearable and quite frankly, if it were me, I probably would feel the same way.”

  Placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose and looked to both Evan and me. My eyes felt like sandpaper and sweat made my shirt cling to my back and my chin quivered as I tried to gain control over my emotions.

  “This is what I’m going to propose. If the facility in which the jet skis were unlawfully taken agrees, all charges pending against you, Dr. Taylor and Mrs. Morris, will be dropped upon the completion of grief counseling.”

  I looked up at him in surprise, shock apparently written on my features.

  “After the loss of a loved one, we experience a wide variety of feelings and emotions. The ever-changing emotions we experience with grief can catch us off guard, causing us to act out of character, like in your case, Mrs. Morris. It can also cause you to act differently than your typical personality or demeanor.”

  Pausing to look at both of us, he clasped his hands together and continued.

  “You need a support system to help you work through your grief. While family and friends are vital, unless they have experienced the personal loss that you both have experienced, they most likely don’t fully get what you are going through. Grief support groups will offer you companionship and understanding from others who have experienced a similar loss, and are experiencing the similar challenges. Is this something you two are willing to do? I think it would be beneficial to you both to go through this together seeing as how you both suffered the same tragedy.”

  I nodded, willing to agree to anything in order to not have a felony on my record from my own stupidity. I had dragged Evan into this situation and would also do anything I could to help him get out of it.

  “Yes, your honor,” Evan replied as he looked towards the floor.

  “Good. Like I said I think this will truly help you. Again I am sorry for your loss. Information will be sent to you in the next few days about dates and times of the meetings. Case dismissed.”

  The female officer approached both Evan and I and removed our handcuffs before she led us back to the jail to retrieve our belongings. I was thankful to the kid at the marina who had held onto my purse when I took off on the Jet Ski. I owed him a huge apology and prayed that I didn’t get him fired and planned to try to talk to the owner of the business as soon as I could.

  A man behind a glass window handed me a manila envelope that contained all my belongings. The first thing I did was take out my wedding rings and slip them back onto my finger before I did anything else. I had felt naked without them. Evan retrieved his things and turned around and walked out of the building without saying one word to me.

  After I retrieved everything and placed it back into my purse, I walked out of the jail, the harsh sunlight hitting me in the eyes as I did. I was desperate for a shower, my skin being dry from the salt that clung to it from the ocean. Physically and emotionally I was drained, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for a good solid week.

  Maybe if I woke up, this would all be a dream.

  Shit.

  Where was I going to go? I hadn’t really thought about where I was going to go or stay when I’d hopped on the plane back to the Keys. I had plenty of cash and credit cards to get me buy for a while, but I needed to find a place to stay, seeing as how I would have to stay in the Keys longer than I expected.

  How long had I intended to stay originally? I wasn’t sure.

  “Hey.”

  Stunned, I turned around to see Evan sitting on a bench just outside the door.

  “I just called a cab. They will be here in a few minutes. Where are you headed? We can share so you don’t have to call one too.”

  I stood there, lifting my hands to my face to try and shield my eyes from the sun.

  “I’m not sure. I kind of came back on a whim. I don’t live here. Not even close,” I laughed sarcastically.

  “Where are you from?” He asked as he looked up at me and squinted one of his eyes.

  “North Carolina, about an hour away from Wilmington,” I replied as I shifted from foot to foot. His sudden shift in mood from angry to being nice had me thrown for a bit of a loop. Don’t get me wrong, I was much more receptive to the nicer side, but it was still awkward between us considering the circumstances.

  “Do you ever look back on that day and ask ‘what if’?” He inhaled before continuing, “Lilly wanted to stay in bed. She begged me to stay in the hotel so that we could just be together and alone. I wanted to go on that damn dinner cruise. I was the one that convinced her to get up. If only I had listened to her.”

  I walked over to him and sat down on the bench beside him, dropping my purse heavily to the ground between my legs.

  “I have asked myself about a thousand what ifs over the last few days. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. Mainly, I wish you wouldn’t have stopped me from going back into the cab of the boat.”

  He turned to me, looking at my face in profile as I stared out into the road as cars passed us by. The palm trees swayed with the gentle breeze and seagulls could be seen in the distance fighting each other for something on the ground.

  “But then you could have died.” I turned to look at him.

  “Exactly.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few moments, as we sat stoically staring at each other. He was a very attractive man. His hair was lighter than Jeremy’s, more like a golden dark blond with small lighter blond highlights. His shoulders were much broader than Jeremy’s and he looked like he exercised regularly, the shirt he wore molded to perfectly sculpted muscles. His nose was shorter than Jeremy’s and his jaw more broad. Jeremy had a very boy-ish handsome quality to him, more tall than built. More preppy than rugged. Evan was more like the boy scout type. Not afraid to get his hands dirty. Someone who was probably really big into sports or fitness. Hell, he was a doctor, so he indeed seemed to take his health seriously.

  “Why would you say that? We’re both lucky to be alive, even though it doesn’t seem that way,” his face fell even more.

  “Because, if I had died along with Jeremy, this wouldn’t hurt so much. Existing in a world where he doesn’t. Living day after day knowing that my soul mate, the one person who got me, understood me, and loved me unconditionally, would never be a part of my life anymore.”

  I bit my lip trying to hold back the tears. I watched Evan’s hands as he flexed and relaxed them in an even pattern, signaling his own struggle to gain control.

  “Then maybe your wife would still be alive, too.” I added quietly. He stilled, the sound of his breaths increasing and the audible swallow he made before he responded to my statement.

  “I never should have said that Ellison. I’m sorry. I know my anger towards you was unattractive and messy. It was completely unpredictable and out of character for me to act that way towards you.”

  “Evan, you let go of Lilly to stop me.”

  A cab suddenly appear
ed and honked loudly right in front of us like we weren’t even sitting there.

  “Does this jerk think we didn’t see him or something?” Evan said, his tone lightening the solemn mood from before.

  “I have no clue, but we should probably get in before he blows our eardrums out.”

  “One-Eleven Pearl Street, please,” Evan told the driver.

  “You aren’t staying in a hotel?” I asked quizzically.

  “My parents own a timeshare here. They made sure that no one was renting it out these last few weeks because Lilly and I…” he paused and he didn’t have to finish out the sentence.

  Used it for their honeymoon.

  “Where are you going to stay?”

  “Um, I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have him drop me off at a chain of the hotels and I can find something there to rent out for a while.”

  “You’re probably looking at paying a pretty penny to say on the beach during season.”

  “Well, I can’t exactly go home now, not that I want to,” I replied as I stared out of the window while the cab rolled down the street. People walked about, laughing, enjoying their summer in paradise, only this was no longer a place that was considered paradise for me. It was my own personal hell.

  I felt Evan shift in the seat beside me, even though he was being friendly, I still felt the enormous amount of animosity that was between us, sitting like a heavy smoke from a fire and intoxicating our lungs with each breath.

  “There’s a spare room, or rooms rather, at the timeshare. Separate entrance. It used to be my dad’s man cave when we vacationed here, but my mom converted it to a mini apartment so they could make more profit renting it out. You are welcome to stay if you wish,” he offered, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could still hear the hesitation in his voice.

  I turned to look at him a little flabbergasted by his generosity. I looked all around the inside of the cab trying to find answers. His offer was more than generous, and he was right. Staying at a hotel would cost me a fortune and would deplete my finances quickly. There was no telling how long it would take for us to finish the grief counseling.

  “That is very nice of you. Are you sure it won’t be an issue, being me and all?” I asked as my shoulders caved in and I looked at my hands, fidgeting with them in my lap so that I didn’t have to see the rejection on his face.