Survivor's Guilt Page 14

  Removing her legs from beneath her, she slid over to where our thighs were touching and placed her other hand over where ours were still connected.

  “I know, Evan. I feel something too. It is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. I feel free of the pain of losing Jeremy when I’m with you. You are the only reason I think I have been able to keep sane. Your strength guides me everyday. I watch you and wish that I could have more courage. But at the same time, it feels like a betrayal. I feel like it is wrong of me to have these feelings. But my resistance is weakening by the day.”

  I brought my free hand up to the side of her cheek, the smoothness of her skin feeling luxurious beneath my palm. Ellie closed the distance between us to where our lips were mere inches apart. I wanted to just give into my thoughts and feelings and capture her mouth with my own, but after what happened at the carnival, I held back, wanting her to be the one to make the decision.

  Her blue eyes flicked back and forth between mine as if seeking permission, and it wasn’t me she was seeking it from. It was like she was silently asking herself if it were okay to give in to her feelings, her wants. I saw it the moment the storm clouds in her eyes opened up and the rain began pouring down as she let the dam break. Leaning in she softly pressed her lips to mine, clinging to where she had grasped my shirt in the hand I wasn’t holding on to. My heart thundered in my chest, matching the storm that was brewing inside of her. But it was the lightening that was the most noticeable. The electrical current composed from the static of our bodies as we slowly began to deepen the kiss. Her sigh of contentment gave me the courage to urge her on as I slowly traced the seam of her lips with my tongue, instantly getting her to open for me.

  That was it.

  All it took.

  I accepted her invitation and released her hand to cup the back of her head to hold her closer to me, not wanting to give her the opportunity to run away. Shock and full blown awareness coursed through me as she climbed onto my lap and kissed me back, matching my fervor. I closed my eyes thinking that it was all a dream. A wonderful dream that I didn’t want to wake up from. Because right then, in this moment, was when I truly believed what Lilly told me. It also made me believe that maybe there was a reason that she and I were on that boat that night. As much as my heart ached from my beloved wife, the ache I felt now was anything but grief. It was a longing of the likes I had never felt before. I felt my body stir naturally from the position she was in on my lap, hoping that she didn’t feel the erection that was growing beneath her thighs.

  Breaking my lips away from hers, I kissed her jaw and down the curve of her neck, marveling at the smoothness of her skin, the fluent map of her flesh, teasing me, taunting me through my lips as I trailed kisses along her clavicle.

  “Oh, God,” she whispered, pleasure evident in her voice as she ran her fingers through my hair and tilted her head back, granting me greater access.

  “You are so beautiful, Ellie. Both inside and out,” I admitted as lifted my head to whisper in her ear. She shuddered as a ripple of ecstasy invaded her system and she sighed contently. Slowly, sleepily, relaxed, I captured her lips again, this time taking the opportunity to savor the unique taste. The way her mouth tasted of fresh coffee mingled with a flavor that could only be completely Ellie. I was trapped in a haze of sensual bliss luxuriated by the possessiveness she seemed to have over me.

  Wrapping one arm around her back and my other under her knees, I eased her down onto the couch coming to rest beside her. Gently, I stroked her hair behind her ear trying to gage her thoughts.

  “Evan?” She asked, a small shake in her voice.

  “Hmmm?” I replied as I continued to play with her hair.

  “Kiss me again?” Her voice sounded so small, yet livened with a desire that was never present before. I didn’t even respond, instead, taking her lips once more enjoying the gratifyingly enticing way they felt against my own. I stroked her cheek with the pad of my thumb, needing—wanting to touch her more, but also not wanting to take it any further than what she felt like she could handle.

  As if she couldn’t surprise me anymore, she grabbed my hand and trailed it down her throat and across the top of her chest until it came to rest on the plump pillow that was her breast.

  “Touch me, Evan. I want you to touch me.”

  Flicking my thumb across the tips of her hardened nipple under the fabric of her dress, she arched her back, causing her breast to press further into my hand. I continued to taste her as I cupped her breast, gently kneading and earning an appreciable murmur of pleasure from her.

  “Ellie, God you feel so good. I need this. Need you,” I said as I pressed kisses along the line of her jaw.

  “But God, we need to stop if this isn’t what you want. Please tell me, tell me that you don’t want this so I will stop.”

  It was small, but I saw her shake her head back and forth, her blue eyes sparkling with desire.

  “I—I want this. Want you, Evan. God I want you so bad,” she admitted. Another dam somewhere broke within me and the next thing I knew, I was lying on top of her as my knees nudged her legs apart allowing me to settle between them. My erection pressed into the softness of her as I devoured her lips. Her arms circled me as she clung to my back as if anchoring herself to me.

  “Are you sure about this?” I asked, kissing the corner of her mouth.

  “Yes. Yes, please,” she admitted, her pelvic bone rising to add pressure on the spot that was aching for her.

  I snaked my hand under her dress, delight filling me as my fingertips trailed up her inner thigh until I was met with the barrier of her underwear.

  Lace. Sexiest thing on the planet.

  Without thinking, I removed her panties, allowing my fingertips to trace down the smooth skin of her thighs. Once they were removed, I inserted a finger inside of her, slowly, capturing her lips once more, not feeling like I could ever get enough of them.

  I stroked her sensitive flesh to the point she nearly came undone, backing off just before she crested over the edge. I enjoyed watching the pleasure build on her face, the way she bit her lip between kisses, seeking more from me and breathing out a protest when my rhythm slowed.

  “Evan, please,” she panted, her throaty voice filled with desire. Slowly, I reached for the hem of her dress and began to slide it up her body, allowing my fingertips to trace against her skin with my ascent. I felt the bumps on her skin form from my touch coupled with the small shiver of passion her body released from the contact. I paused only long enough for her to sit up and lift the dress over her head. Laying beneath me in nothing but her underwear, I marveled with awe as I openly gawked at her beautiful body. I allowed my palms to connect with the flat plain of her stomach, feeling her abs flex beneath my hand. As if I had all the time in the world, I allowed my palms to glide further up until I was palming one of her plump breasts. Arching into my hand, she squeezed her eyes shut and let her mouth hang open as she pressed her breast further into my hand.

  “You are so damn beautiful,” I admitted as I leant in to kiss the hollow space of her throat. I felt her arms slip between us and her fingers begin to mess with the button of my jeans. I reached behind my head, pulling my shirt over it before tossing it to the floor. I watched Ellie’s eyes open wide as she bit her lip in appreciation for my body.

  I closed my eyes briefly and knew it was probably something I shouldn’t have done. Why? Because that brief pause allowed rationality to filter into my thoughts trying to replace the impulsivity that had consumed me when Ellie was beneath me practically begging me to take her. The only thing that made me think twice about what we were doing was knowing that it was wrong. I felt like I was taking advantage of her vulnerability and both of our deep need to get lost in something or someone other than our grief. I have always prided myself on being a passionate man. Someone who had a high sense of what was right and wrong, and made my decisions based on those values.

  Then why did something that seemed so wrong,
feel so incredibly right?

  “What’s wrong?” Ellie’s soft voice said breaking me from my inner thoughts.

  “I don’t know. I—I don’t think I can do this,” I admitted in defeat as I leant down and placed my forehead on her belly, feeling the rapid rise and fall of her chest.

  She sighed long and hard while several minutes passed and neither of us said a word. I knew she was contemplating the consequences over in her mind of what the outcome of us making love would mean.

  “Evan, I know you probably think that I wanted this in the heat of the moment, or that I’m trying to use what is happening between us as some sort of cover up for the true feelings inside of me. I want to be honest with you. I’m scared to death. I also don’t want to feel this, yet at the same time I do. I wouldn’t just offer myself up to anyone in order to free myself from the pain. You have been here for me these last few months when I needed someone. You have reached me on a level that I don’t feel anyone else could. Our whole world has been shaken, but in the midst of it, you are the only thing that has kept me steady. Kept me grounded.”

  She peered up at me, never breaking eye contact. I took the moment to study her face, her features that made her so beautiful. There was a seriousness to her gaze, yet it had undertones of vulnerability. After suffering such great loss like the two of us have, I knew how terrifying it was for her to put herself on the line.

  “Ellie, there isn’t a doubt in my mind about the truthfulness of your words. I know that you offering yourself to me isn’t laced with hidden agendas or with a subliminal message. That is what makes you unique. Your honesty and your kindness, your ability to put yourself out on a limb is one of the best things about you.”

  I stroked the tender flesh of her cheek and watched as she closed her eyes and leant into my touch.

  “I want you, Ellie. God, I want you. I just don’t want us to both rush into something that we will regret later. I don’t think I could handle it if I became a disappointment or a remorse you feel after we, well, you know.”

  Her eyes opened, the crystal blue staring directly into mine reminded me of the color of the ocean that I once loved. Even though my love for its beauty had faded in the shadow of what happened, looking into Ellie’s eyes, made me feel like I wanted to forgive it for taking away the beauty that I once saw in it.

  “I could never regret you. I could never look upon our time together as something that I wish didn’t happen. I think the only reason my heart still beats is because of you.”

  Any anguish or hesitation that I was feeling was instantly washed away as soon as she said those words to me. I captured her lips with mine, relishing once again in the taste of her. Her softness pressed beneath my hardness. I shivered as both of her hands wrapped around my shoulders and she threaded her fingers through my hair. Tiny tingles of delight spread throughout my scalp until they filtered down to my backside. Her taste was unique, but the way we kissed was like we had known each other forever. The way our mouths formed and molded to each other’s in such a perfect way, couldn’t really be described.

  With the pad of my thumbs I traced lazy circles on her ribcage just beneath the globes of her breasts. Pressure began building within me and my chest pounded with a carnal need to be inside of her. When I slid my hands higher, I gently took her nipple between my thumb and forefinger, rubbing in a circular motion. Her back arched from the couch pressing her body further into my groin.

  Friction. I needed the friction. I needed the sweet release of being inside of her, of staking my claim over something I had no right to want to own, but desperately wanted to. She began to try and slide my jeans down my hips, and this time, I let her as I rid my body of the only barrier left between us. Lying on top of her, we finally became flesh to flesh. No barriers. No walls to come between us. I could feel the heat radiating from her body melding with the smolder of my own. The warmth although physical, was nothing compared to the heat in which our souls slowly began to mold together. It was an out of body experience. A magical, spiritual connection that made everything about the intimacy between us seem so much more.

  “Evan,” she whispered as she leant up ever so slightly, placing her lips directly next to my ear. The flesh of her mouth tracing the shell of my ear with her words.

  “Make love to me.”

  Without hesitation, I aligned myself with her and in what seemed like one of the most perfect and sublime moments to ever happen to me, we became one. I paused as I allowed her body to adjust to me.

  Welcoming me.

  Accepting me.

  Wrapping around me.

  “Evan.”

  Her gasp of my name upon her lips sent a soul shattering feeling to encompass me. Clinging tightly to each other, we began to move. Each thrust synchronized with each other to the point where we were nothing short of perfect unison.

  And when the pressure began to build and a white light began to invade my sight, blinding me with passion, pleasure and an emotional high like no other, we both crested the hill together. Tumbling over the edge and freefalling into each other until the climax subsided and we were left with the lethargic after effects of being with each other. To describe the feeling would be like trying to describe the beauty of a sunset to someone who was born blind. There was no true way to describe how it made me feel inside, but I do know that I had never felt more complete.

  MEET THE PARENTS

  “THERE’S MY BABY,” my mother said as she came towards me with arms wide open while my father retrieved their bags from the rental car. I stepped off the front porch to meet her half way, enveloping her tiny frame and hugging her. She smelled like cherries as I inhaled the scent of her hair while resting my cheek on the top of her head. My dad soon approached, placing the bags on the ground long enough to extend a handshake to me as I released my mom, looking at him funny as I placed my hand in his. A goofy smile crossed his features as he pulled me in and hugged me, clapping his other hand on my back. In the history of parents, I had to say that mine were the best. Always supportive, always there for me and they built a good foundation of morals, love, and mutual respect for one another as I grew up.

  Eleanor and Rusty Taylor made the perfect couple. They were so much alike that I swear they knew each other in a past life. Even though their physicality’s sharply contrasted each other, my mom being five foot two and my dad well over six feet, their personalities and souls were the same. My mother’s long blonde hair had gotten shorter over the years and was now speckled with a gray that showed her age, but didn’t take away from her beauty. My father, having lost most of the hair on the crown of his head at a young age, kept what was left closely clipped or sometimes shaved.

  “How are you son?” My dad asked as he leant down to grab the bags once more. I beat him to the punch, taking both bags by the handle and lifted them before he could. I chuckled and shook my head as I felt how heavy my mom’s bag was compared to my dad’s.

  “Good, dad. How was the trip?”

  “Oh pretty good. My hand survived as you can see,” he said holding it up for me to see. “Your mom managed to not completely crush it on the short flight down here.”

  I chuckled again.

  “Mom, how many years have you been flying down here now? Ten? Twenty? You still get nervous?” I asked as we all turned to enter the house.

  “Planes still go down all the time son,” my mom said with a shiver.

  We entered the house and my mom took off her sunglasses as my father took the bags from me and headed down the hallway to the bedrooms.

  “Huh.” My mom said as she looked all around and a few ‘mercies’ came from her.

  “What?” I asked her as I watched her look all the way around the living room with her mouth half open.

  “Oh well I guess I just expected something different I suppose.”

  “What exactly is it you were expecting?” I asked as I arched my brow in curiosity.

  “It’s so…clean. Did you clean up before we came sweeth
eart?” She asked looking around again as if trash and debris would materialize out of thin air at any moment.

  “Mom, I’m perfectly capable of keeping things clean. I was raised well.” A flash of pride graced her face at my words.

  “I don’t know. I just half expected empty beer bottles and pizza boxes to be littered around. Do you keep it clean for her?” A slow smile began to build up on her face as she tilted her head to the side, observing my reaction.

  “Who is her?” I prodded.

  “Your young woman you told us about downstairs.”

  Ellie.

  “No, mom. I don’t keep it clean for her. I just like stuff organized and tidy. I wouldn’t want my hospital to be a mess, why would I want my home to be?”

  “Good point sweetheart.”

  My father joined us in the living room and took a seat on the couch, extending his arm along the back.

  “So, how are things going, son? Has the hospital given you any timeframe for when you can return to work?”

  Yeah. My chief of staff informed me real quick that I wasn’t to return until I completed grief counseling. But they didn’t know about any of that yet.

  “They just said that I shouldn’t come back until I was completely and competently ready.” I replied, deciding to hold the truth from them a little while longer.

  “Well, they have your best interest as well as all of your patient’s at heart. I’m sure once you are ready, you’ll know.”

  Suddenly, the front door opened startling all of us.

  “Evan, do you have a copy of the assignment we were to do this week—oh…” Ellie stopped mid stride when she looked around the room and found three pairs of eyes staring back at her. Shock and surprise crossed her features causing her cheeks to burn a bright shade of crimson. It was cute. It was kind of sexy, really.

  It has been two days since that day on the couch when we made love. We haven’t done anything since then, not even kiss. But that didn’t mean that my body wasn’t screaming too. I figured a little space between us would give us both time to think about what had happened and whether or not there was going to be anything else developing between us.