Survivor's Guilt Page 10

  “Remember, Ellie, shift your focus and your attention onto the present. Concentrate on something else. Not the memories,” I reminded her. She took a few steps away from me and stared out at the ocean for a long time, lifting her hands to shield the harsh sunlight from her eyes. I stood behind her, basking in the beauty of watching her stare out into open water. The gentle breeze wrapping her loose fitting blouse around her small frame. Her ponytail dancing in the wind as it hung down her back. The way her skin sparkled in the sun, casting a bronze tint onto her sleeveless shoulders. My gaze traveled down her body to where her toes dug into the sand. Hints of pink from her toenails disappearing and reappearing as they burrowed in and out of the sand.

  “Look! Dolphins!” She exclaimed and brought me out of my trance. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts as I looked out to where she was pointing. Sure enough, a small pod of dolphins danced playfully in the distance, the bright blue sky and the crystal water creating a perfect backdrop behind them.

  “I hear they come pretty close to the beach sometimes,” I said as I walked up to where she was standing.

  “We don’t get to see them off the coast of North Carolina often. I think they like the warmer waters here better.”

  We stood there for several minutes before we made our way back towards the car. When we first came out here, I thought our councilor was crazy for making us return to a place that held so much devastation for both of us. Trying to create new memories from ones that were clouded in darkness when we returned to the beach, seemed damn near impossible. But somehow, standing there, I was able to complete the exercise without even realizing that I had. As Ellie had tried to find something to concentrate on other than the memory of Jeremy, I was able to find something almost instantly. I was able to focus on a different kind of beauty other than the view of the beach or even the dolphins that had created the beautiful grin on Ellie’s face.

  Because it was Ellie I wasn’t able to take my eyes away from.

  ANNIVERSARY OF A DIFFERENT KIND

  “I STILL FEEL SO LOST without you, Jeremy.” I said as we sat on the dock that we had gone to so many times before when we were dating.

  “I know sweetheart, but I promise you, as each day goes by, it will get easier.” His soft, dirty blond hair danced in the wind as the last remnants of the sun began to sink below the horizon. It cast an orange/red glow against our skin, illuminating us in the beauty of the sunset.

  “Each day I wake up determined to put one foot in front of the other. I try to focus on the good things I still have in my life instead of what I don’t have with me anymore. Mom keeps begging me to come home, but I can’t. I still have to complete the counseling. And…” I said pausing to look at him, “I’m not entirely sure I want to leave just yet.”

  “Evan has been helping you. I’m grateful for him, you know,” he said as he nudged my shoulder.

  “I’m grateful for him too, Jer. If I had to do this alone, if I had to try and pick up the pieces of losing you by myself, I’m not sure I would be able to. Evan has kept me from being lost in my own thoughts. He has held my hand this entire journey even though he feels some of the same devastation that I do.

  Jeremy nodded his head and smiled as he looked down at me.

  “You may not realize it, but helping you, helps him.”

  “How’s that?” I asked curious as to why he would think that.

  “Well, by being there for you and offering support, it helps take his mind off Lilly.”

  “But he can’t always do that. By focusing on me and helping me, it doesn’t give him time to heal from his own wounds.”

  Jeremy nodded again.

  “True, but that is where you need to help him. You both help each other. Your friendship has been developed out of tragedy, and you two share a bond that is greater than most people could build in a lifetime, Ellie. Maybe focus on that. Build that relationship instead of focusing on the past. Work towards a new future.”

  I looked at Jeremy as my head flinched back slightly and my mouth opened and closed without a word or sound coming out of it.

  “Are you suggesting that I develop a relationship with Evan?” I was finally able to ask as my eyes blinked rapidly and my tone uncertain.

  Jeremy shrugged, his shoulders coming up to brush the bottom of his ears as he stared out at the horizon. The sun was just beginning to go down, the sky lit up with purple and orange hues.

  “Remember when Toby Martin and Kattie Storm had started dating?” He asked me and I only became more confused by the question, but decided to humor him.

  “Yes. It was right around the time you and I started dating.”

  Toby and Kattie were both friends of Jeremy and me. They married about a year ago and already had their first child.

  “Well,” he continued, “Toby had just gotten out of a bad relationship with the one girl he dated that went to Carolina State. Kattie was the one who helped him get through all of that and look how well it turned out with them.”

  “Yeah, but Jer, Kattie and Toby were friends long before they ever started dating,” I said matter of factly like he didn’t already know.

  “Exactly,” he said as he reached for my hand, gently running the tips of his fingers over the center of my palm. Chill bumps formed on my arm from his touch. I missed him so very much and my heart literally felt like it had been on the outside of my body since the day he died.

  “Toby and Kattie were able to make it work because they were friends first. Love came later and it was stronger than anyone could ever imagine possible, even for Toby and Kattie themselves.”

  I tried to consider what it was that Jeremy was trying to tell me, but if I had any inkling, I didn’t like the direction in which his thoughts led, but I didn’t get a chance to protest because he turned completely to face me. Stretching his legs out, he reached for me, turning me around to settle between his legs as I leant my back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and for a few moments, I enjoyed their warmth. Their comfort, and all the love I knew he was capable of giving to someone.

  “Ellie, no one knows exactly what God has in store for them. I didn’t ever imagine that I wouldn’t get to live the rest of my life out with you. In fact, it was the one thing I was absolutely certain about. But what if I was only in your life as a pathway to something bigger? What if God brought us together because he had a bigger plan than you and me? Maybe it was fate that we got on that boat. Maybe it was the plan all along.”

  Hot tears cascaded down my cheeks as I sniffled and slid my fingers in between Jeremy’s, holding onto him securely, because I had no clue how much time we had left together.

  “You were my fate, Jeremy. You were my life. My everything. I can’t move on from this. I don’t want to. I’m afraid that if I move on, it means that I will forget you. It means I’ll no longer get to look back and remember you. I’ve already lost you in my physical world, I can’t lose the memory of you also.”

  He wrapped his arms around me tighter, cocooning me to him. He felt so alive to me even though I knew he wasn’t really there. I could feel his warm breath across the back of my neck and ear. I could feel the perfect rhythm of his heart beating against my back, and it only made me cry harder.

  “You will never lose the memory of me, or us, Ellie. I’ll always be a part of you, baby. But I need you to live. I want you to fall in love again. I want you to open your heart up again. It kills me to see you like this.”

  I was crying so hard, I could barely catch my breath. Jeremy rested his chin on my shoulder, and placed a gentle kiss right below my ear.

  “Jer,” I managed to say through tangled sobs, “You consumed every piece of my heart. There isn’t any part of it left for me to give to someone else. It belongs to you. You stole it from me years ago, and I never want it back.”

  “Your heart is bigger than any person I know, Ellie. It may feel like you had given it all away, and I am the luckiest man to be on the receiving end of it, but there is so mu
ch more of you left to give. Don’t lock it away.”

  He paused and took a deep, hesitant breath.

  “I have to go, baby. I love you. I’ll always love you. You will always love me. A love like ours is not easily forgotten, but each day, it will get better. Each day the pain will fade a little more and you will find that space in your heart to give to someone again. Promise me, you’ll do it, Ellie. Promise me that you will be willing to let yourself open up again.”

  He placed a kiss on my cheek. The warmth of his mouth more real than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

  “Promise,” he whispered again.

  “I —pr—promise,” I managed to choke out, the tightness in the back of my throat making it difficult to speak.

  “Love, Ellie.” He whispered once more and just as quickly as he appeared, he was gone.

  I WOKE TO HARSH light invading my eyes as it filtered in through the window and landed in beams upon my face. I reached up to wipe away the sleep to find the remnants of my tears. Tears that I had shed as I sat on the dock with Jeremy while my subconscious granted me the blessing to get to see him. Over the last month, I had gotten to spend several times a week just talking to him, being in his presence. Somehow, it made my heart feel better, even if it were all a dream. As I sat up though, I felt like this last time was different. My heart shattered again for the millionth time since his death thinking that this last dream was goodbye.

  “Promise me, you’ll do it, Ellie. Promise me that you will be willing to let yourself open up again.”

  I kept hearing his whispered words over and over.

  “I —pr—promise.” My whispered reply echoed his words.

  I had stayed up late last night hoping that I would be able to sleep most of today away. I didn’t want to be conscious and have to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life died one month ago today. Or the fact that yesterday was my one-month wedding anniversary.

  One day.

  I got to spend one day as his wife.

  I wiped away the tears that had begun to fall. I couldn’t take the pain. I wanted something, anything to numb it. Some days were easier than others. Some days were horrible, and some days I was distracted enough not to fall into my own thoughts.

  What was the distraction that helped me?

  Evan.

  Two broken souls that had been brought together and ended up helping each other through the most difficult time of our lives. Two strangers, who had a horrible memory in common, and worked together in order to cope with our grief.

  I was thankful for Evan. Sure, I had my mom, dad, and friends back home who had offered me support, but I don’t think they really understood the depths of my despair the way Evan did.

  Slowly, I made my way into the bathroom as I robotically brushed my teeth. Risking a glance in the mirror, I noticed that my normally vibrant skin had lost its luster. My hair looked dull and thin, the fullness no longer remaining. My cheeks were more hollowed out than ever, due to the amount of weight I had lost from my already small frame.

  I looked sick.

  I looked run down.

  I looked broken.

  Faded.

  Lifeless.

  Reaching for the brush, I ran it through my long strands, breaking through the obstacle of tangles that resisted along the way.

  “I need you to live.”

  Jeremy’s words making a presence in my thoughts again. I closed my eyes, feeling his presence with me. Like somehow, he was still with me. Through our talks in my dreams, I felt us grow closer. Not that we weren’t close in life, but his death had created a different element to our relationship.

  I reached over to my makeup case, and removed all the products that I hadn’t touched in a long time. I had no purpose before to use them. Had no reason why I wanted to make myself feel beautiful and like a woman again.

  Until Jeremy’s request.

  “I need you to live.”

  And as I picked up my facial brush, I was determined to do so.

  ***

  I HATE THIS FUCKING day. I hate the thought of an anniversary that wasn’t about celebration or happiness, but instead one that was nothing but pain. The gut wrenching devastation that comes with losing a loved one.

  I sat at the island in the kitchen nursing my second cup of coffee as I stared out of the back window of the house. I scowled at the brightness of the day. How the sun shone through the palm trees in the back yard giving off the fake impression that it was supposed to be a beautiful day.

  It was anything but.

  The lightness was a stark contradiction to the inner turmoil that was swirling through me. Taking a drink of my coffee, it singed my tongue and burnt the back of my throat as it went down, but I didn’t care. If I could forget everything about this day, I would. I would let my heart feel happy if I knew a way to do it without missing Lilly so desperately.

  Tearing my gaze away from the window, I reached for the newspaper trying to find something else to occupy my mind. I skimmed over articles, business reports and even classified ads before my eyes zeroed in on a small headline about a small carnival that was in town.

  I sat staring at the picture of a lit up Ferris wheel, and the smile that was on the girl’s face in the picture. I took in the lines of her face and her wide grin as she pointed to something on the ground. Her eyes were wide with wonder and amazement while she seemed to be on the ride of her life.

  A sudden thought came to me and quickly I downed the coffee, not stopping long enough to taste the bold flavor before I stood up and rinsed it out in the sink. I searched for my car keys finding them on the counter before I raced out of the door.

  ***

  I returned to the house after being gone all afternoon. I ripped the tags off the new clothes I had purchased and slipped into a comfortable pair of cargo shorts and neon pink tank top. Heading into the bathroom, I shaved away the scruff that had developed on my face and even managed to tame my rapidly growing hair with a little product. A few splashes of my cologne and I was done. Heading back to where I had left a box on the counter in the kitchen, I grabbed it before walking out of the door and went downstairs to Ellie’s apartment.

  I hated to admit that I was a little nervous and excited to present this idea to her, but I hoped like hell that it would be just what we needed in order to forget and be able, for just one day, to let go of the pain and embrace the fact that we were both still very much alive.

  “Evan?” Ellie said as she opened the door. I was hit with a sucker punch to the gut when I saw her standing barefoot before me in a tank top and athletic shorts. But it wasn’t her attire that had grabbed my attention. Her long brown hair that was normally secured in a ponytail hung loosely around her shoulders in soft, romantic waves. Her face seemed to glow as I took in the faintest amount of blush upon her cheeks that added a hint of color she had been missing. Here eyes were exquisitely framed by a set of dark lashes and the slight brown hue of her eye shadow made her already blue eyes seem bluer. Her lips were painted with a soft pink, shiny gloss, brightening her face even more.

  There was no telling how long I stood there staring at her like some crazed madman. I mean, she was a very beautiful girl without a lick of makeup on, but with the few small touches she made, wow. It was like being star struck by someone you idolized. I couldn’t find my voice or what I even wanted to say to her. My voice lodged in my throat as I stood there looking at her with unabashed shame.

  “Evan?” She repeated again, this time ducking down to gain my attention.

  “Hi,” I said finally breaking my trance and offering her a small smile.

  “Um, hi?” She said, more like a question than a statement.

  “Can I come in?” I asked nodding my head inside the apartment.

  “Of course.”

  She stepped back allowing me to enter. The already normally small space seemed even smaller, and I couldn’t help but notice the sudden rush of anxiety that had taken over me. I was nervo
us around her for some reason, not able to enjoy our usual easy camaraderie.

  “What’s going on?” She asked as she looked at the box in my hands. I turned my gaze down to where I was holding it in my hands at my side.

  “Oh, uh, this is for you,” I replied tentatively as I extended the box out to her. She walked over to the couch and sat down, playing with the small purple bow that I had placed on top.

  “What is it for?” She asked, blue eyes peering back up at me, cheeks rosy with what? Curiosity?

  Embarrassment?

  I rounded the couch and came to sit beside her, praying that I wasn’t making a mistake. Praying that she would accept.

  “This,” I said pointing to the box, “Is for you to wear to the carnival tonight.”

  “Carnival?

  I ran a hand through the side of my hair.

  “There is a small carnival in town that has rides, junk food, a crowd. You know, the works. I hear that there may even be funnel cake involved.”

  She bit her lip, teeth sinking into the shiny softness of her flesh. I couldn’t read the expression on her face, but my heart rate sped up a few notches as I sat on pins and needles waiting for her answer.

  Sliding the top of the box off, she removed some of the tissue paper to reveal the sundress I had bought her. When I saw it in the store, I knew it would be perfect for her. It wasn’t anything special, just classic white with a touch of lace embroidery on the trim.

  “Wow, this is beautiful,” she said as she fingered the light fabric.

  “The sales lady said it was an empire waist and that you would probably like it. I had to guess your size.”

  Which meant I had to picture your body. I thought to myself.

  “It’s perfect. Thank you. But why are we going to a carnival?”

  “I thought we could go do something fun. I know how hard today has been on you because it has burned me from the inside out since I woke up this morning. Sandi said last week in group that we needed to try and start doing things that we used to do prior to…”